Back from honeymoon into darkness
I have been trying to quit smoking - had my last one about a month ago after my first encounter with my Therapist my second appointment isn't for another 3 weeks. Mt last smoke before that day was 2 months before that. I am still using the nicotine replacement stuff every day and every day I wish I could just have a smoke. I have a feeling I will probably end up buying a pack of 10 after each session.
I gained more weight whilst away so am having self esteem issues more than ever now to the point where although I have been looking forward to meeting up with my friends after not having seen them for about a month this weekend I am now seriously thinking of cancelling so they don't see how fat I have become in the hope that I can somehow shift it all before I am due to meet them again a couple of weeks later. I look at the pictures of me on the honeymoon with loathing at the fat faced ugliness I see. My husband says I look great in them all - I think he is lying. My body is aching so exercise is difficult - need to get back to the Dr's to get my nerve pain meds increased as the current dose has had no effect so far. My husband tried calling to make me an appointment this morning but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with Dr's today and he couldn't understand that I would rather put it off a day or two rather than try and get sorted out right away.
I spent an hour looking at the latest jobs which had been advertised only to find as usual that the ones I am interested in are either impossible to get to or that I am under qualified for them in some way. I have been looking for over a year now and I know that not being able to find work has not been helping with my self esteem issues either.
so many other things feel wrong right now - I know that I am just down and so picking on myself but knowing that doesn't help me see the light or get out of this state of mind. I feel tired out, I have been teary on and off all day. Hope I can sleep tonight.