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I can't go back

Posted by r_tyler , in Therapy 05 August 2013 · 54 views

I technically have a third T appointment on Wednesday but I think I am going to cancel them forever. I can't go. I can't talk to her. I have nothing too say. I don't like her. I don't trust her. I can't go back. I will never be able to talk to her. When I went the first time, my BF said that if I didn't like it I didn't have to go. I don't like it, but he still wants me to go. Of course I didn't like it. What was he expecting? Everyone says I don't have to do anything if I don't want to. Well I don't want to. Did they expect anything different? I will never want to. Maybe want isn't what they mean. I already surpassed all the original terms of encouragement. Just try it once. If you don't want to you don't have to go back. If you don't like her you don't have to see her. How many times do I have to go before I can reasonably decide that I can't do it?



Actually, it's tomorrow.
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SomebodyLoveMe
Aug 05 2013 10:46 PM
i know from personal experience that it's hard to find one you like, let alone trust. it's all trial and error. i feel like one session is enough time to determine if someone is right for you. if you already feel like she's not the right fit, maybe you should try to find someone you're more compatible with. if you aren't into her, going back is kind of like trying to convince yourself that you are. try not to dismiss the concept because you haven't clicked with someone. i've literally gone through eight before i found mine.

whatever you do, do what you feel is right. best wishes to you(:
It can take time and it can take years to find the right T. It took me 19 years from age 19 to 38. It mainly took that long because I repeatedly gave up and took a break from searching and trying. But, I can tell you I was miserable, I was broken, I was hurting and all of those feelings had nowhere to go so they stayed inside and caused me pain. You cannot heal in a vacuum. I feel for you - I hope you can find someone who you feel is on your side. And I think most of all YOU have to choose your T. YOU have to be ready to see him or her. And most of all YOU have to have HOPE it will work.

Nobody can make you do this, if you don't want to go back. Don't. I would just hope you know for sure its because you don't like her and can't work with her and not because it makes you uncomfortable or pushes your buttons. To heal we need our buttons pushed until it doesn't hurt anymore. I want to spare anyone else 19 years of waiting to be better, stronger, happier. It is such a waste of a life.

I wish you wholeness.

-bj

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