Jump to content

Ship's log


Birth Control

Posted by r_tyler , 22 April 2014 · 107 views

I feel trapped every time I take my pill. I went because I was scared. I felt a bump that I thought could be cancer. It wasn't. And I got birth control pills out of it. And I'm reminded every day that I either have to go back or have a huge fight with my boyfriend because it will be obvious that I'm refusing to go. If I wasn't on birth control that will r...


I hate you

Posted by r_tyler , 09 October 2013 · 100 views

When can I hate you? Can I hate you in a year when things still aren't any better. Can I hate you in two years when things are just the same. Do I have to wait a decade before I can say, "See? I hate being alive just as much now as I ever did. How much longer do you want me to wait?" Can I hate you at 50, when I know almost certainly that half...


Why did I fail? (tw su/si)

Posted by r_tyler , in Therapy 16 September 2013 · 154 views

I've been searching Pandy's and the Internet at large for clues, maybe even commiseration over why I hate therapy so much. There's not nothing... but I don't understand how so many people seem to be able to talk to a complete stranger about their life.
I didn't just hate therapy. Thinking about going, being there and thinking about hav...



Posted by r_tyler , 12 September 2013 · 131 views

I'll give therapy one thing: at least when I was going, I had the illusion that I was moving in a forward direct. Now I know everything is at a stand still. I'm at work. Why? Because otherwise I'll get fired. And I care because? Because then I won't have money and that would be harder. Harder to do what? Live. Really, because there are pl...


Five and done (tw)

Posted by r_tyler , in Therapy 12 September 2013 · 106 views

I cancelled therapy for good yesterday. Five sessions was all I could handle. I feel relief and failure in almost equal measures. I'm definitely more relieved.
Therapy felt like slow and gentle emotional rape. It's for your own good, they said. Just take off your defenses and let it happen, they said. Relax, it's your choice to be here, they s...


Therapy is like a bad comedy sketch

Posted by r_tyler , in Therapy 22 August 2013 · 219 views

I have no idea what my T thinks is useful about what we are doing. I feel worse when I talk to her and frustrated about the whole thing. To be clear, it's just went to the fifth session, so maybe I am prematurely frustrated.

Me: I feel like my emotions aren't reflections of reality and that they are giving me false input. I feel like I can't...


I can't go back

Posted by r_tyler , in Therapy 05 August 2013 · 119 views

I technically have a third T appointment on Wednesday but I think I am going to cancel them forever. I can't go. I can't talk to her. I have nothing too say. I don't like her. I don't trust her. I can't go back. I will never be able to talk to her. When I went the first time, my BF said that if I didn't like it I didn't have to...


Letter to my T (tw)

Posted by r_tyler , in Therapy 02 August 2013 · 72 views

TW for religion as emotional abuse.

I think I finally pinpointed a metaphor for why I feel so uncomfortable in therapy or what I am worried about. I might give this to my T but we'll see.

My earliest memories of life date back to before I was five. I know this because we moved on my fifth birthday and I remember a good many things from before that....


2nd therapy appointment. disaster.

Posted by r_tyler , in Therapy 25 July 2013 · 112 views

I went to therapy yesterday for the second time even though I didn't think I could go back and now I really think I can't go back. Therapy is not a safe place. It is an awful place. I can't talk. I can't breath. I can't hide. She didn't even ask anything remotely difficult. I just didn't know what to say. The mere fact of focus...

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.