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Did it Happen? Yes. No. Definitely. *May Trigger*

Posted by beneathgreywaves , 13 February 2014 · 126 views

When I was little I had one particular nightmare that was full of strange sensations that I did not understand. It is like there have always been two parts of my awareness: the part that is sure that I was abused, and the part that erases the possibility. I can remeber that dream, and I am sure of what it meant. I used to work at a camp where there were lots of kids that had suffered abuse, and I noticed that they were some of the only people who hate waking up as much as I do.
I have a lot of trouble waking up in the morning, and it takes a lot of discipline to get around this, and I am convinced that the abuse happened when I was laying in my bed, or crib in the middle of the night. The boy must have snuck into my room. I have no acutal memory, I was three or four years old. I remember the dreams, the terror, the sensation. I was afraid of sleeping in strange beds. I was painfully self-conscious. I felt ashamed whenever I did the crab walk in PE, and I did not know why and tried to pretend that it did not bother me.
I think my mother must have suspected something, because I remember having a gynological examination at the age of 5 or so. The doctor looked a little weirded out by what he was doing, and asked me if anyone had touched me that way before. I said no. I could not entirely remember what happened. When I was six my parents got divorced and my brother became an alcoholic and he became the focus of attention.
It took me a long time to put the peices together. The boy who molested gave me a pink stuffed bunny through his father as his wife was close friends with my mom. I kept the bunny for years, even though I thought it was ugly. It felt like an apology. I got the distinct feeling that the boy who molested me was avoiding me. My mother and I went to go visit him at his dorm once, and he was out. He always seemed to be gone whenever I was there. In fact, for all the times I have stayed at his parent's house I have only seen him once in person after we moved away. I tried to talk to him, and he seemed incredibly uncomfortable. It was the strangest feeling, and I can now place it as the feeling of having to be pleasent to your ex. It was weird to feel like that about him, he is about ten years older than me, but I tried to be civil and he tried to be civil and there was unspoken tension.
My mom said that he had an uncle that she did not like the look of, and that she kept us away from this uncle. My thought is that the abuse must have started there, and spread. I forgive him, he was a child too, and besides he is serving an 80 year sentence for molesting someone else so, there is no danger of him hurting others at present.
Sometimes when I am with my husband, or I am stressed, everything will just feel . . . wrong. Like your shoe is on the wrong foot, like you are naked in public, like have soiled your clothes, or on a public street. It takes some deep breaths to relax and ground myself. He is wonderful and patient and I appreciate him.

First of all bravo for you for being able to forgive him and recognizing he was a child and one that probably had been taught the things he did to you. And good for you for being able to put some pieces together. And I have to say good for your mom for seeing warning signs and taking you to the doctor. So many parents sweep it under the rug.

amazing post.  thanks for sharing. 

July 2016

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