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It Couldn't Be Possible... [TW]

Posted by Parlophone , 28 August 2013 · 111 views

So, today I went to my therapist and unfortunately we ran out of time so I couldn't get the EMDR treatment. I get to do it next session though so that's good!

When I get EMDR, I'm going to see if I can get any memories back of my father perhaps sexually abusing me when I was a little girl. For those of you who haven't seen my previous posts lately, here's the situation:

A few months before I looked into my history of CSA, I had a nightmare about my dad sexually abusing me as a toddler. This seems suspicious to me, especially since I looked back in family photo albums and the layout of the room I was in was very similar if not exactly as it appeared in my nightmare. Now, how could I remember the look of that house with such accuracy (however little it may be) if I was only a toddler at that house?

Also, my mom told me that before they got divorced when I was almost 9, my dad told her,"Don't neglect your next husband(sexually) or he might do something with the girls." Then my mom asked my dad if he had been touching me and he said no... but my dad is a habitual liar, so he could very well be lying. Also, at that house my parents had separate bedrooms so I'm pretty sure that my mom was "neglecting" my dad.

So as you can see, I have perfectly reasonable grounds for feeling suspicious....

...And yet, I cannot bring myself to believe that he would be capable of doing such a thing.

I mean, I was always daddy's special little girl when I was little and we could do things together. He'd always take me out on outings with him and not once do I remember him touching me in a bad way. He was there for me emotionally when no one else wasn't... if he had really done something wouldn't I feel afraid of him? Wouldn't I have remembered? Wouldn't it have happened to my siblings too? I don't think that he did anything to my siblings at all... so why would he do it to only me? Also, wouldn't he still be doing it to me? And why would he be married to a grown woman multiple times if he was attracted to children?

If he did do something to me though... that would explain my excessive bossiness and aggressiveness at an early age (age 4) along with the frequent urinary tract infections, the violent roleplaying with my dolls (age 4), the bloody underwear my mom found, my fear of the dark and sleeping in my room, why my other cousins (who were mostly female) never wanted to give my dad a hug (he even had to bribe one of them with money just for a hug), and countless other things... I mean, unless that alley incident when I was r**ed at 6 was what was responsible for certain things...

I just don't know anymore what to think... I mean, I'm suspecting my own dad of horrible things. He used to love me (I mean, before my sister got old enough to play with. Now he focuses all his attention on her and my 5 year old brother, but mostly my sister.), so how could I think such things?

And I know that people are saying that no matter who did it it doesn't change what I'm going through and, I really don't mean to shoot down your attempts to help, but it really does change what I'm going through. It makes it worse, because I trusted this man like nobody else. He was the only one who was there for me growing up and, no matter how neglectful he was until he was ready to play, I craved the love he gave me so much... and to learn that the only person I could love and trust growing up did something like that to me? That would tear my heart to shreds...

And though I don't want to pass premature judgement on anyone, I have this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach that once I do some memory uncovering, he's going to be guilty of something, and if not him then someone else I'm close to. Who knows, maybe it's just my paranoia going nuts... but where the hell did that dream come from all of a sudden if I wasn't even focused on CSA at that point in my life? I just hope that I uncover the truth... because if I don't and he's really guilty, then my siblings, cousins, and future children could be in danger.

Source: I-It Couldn't Be Possible... [TW]

Aug 29 2013 08:02 AM
All I'd say is trust you gut instict but keep it at arms length until you know for sure. Did you write the dream down?, it might help when you actually do come to uncovering your memories.

Take Care

Aug 29 2013 11:05 AM
This is really hard, and I feel for you. Nobody wants to have their world turned upside down and inside out. Nobody wants to realize that a beloved caregiver could do such terrible things to us.

It's very hard to be OK with the not-knowing-for-certain. I know it has driven me absolutely nuts at times. For myself, I eventually found that a degree of certainty would grow (or fade) with time and evidence as I worked with T.

Sitting with you.
Aug 30 2013 12:28 AM
Believe it or not many abusers do have wives and try to carry a 'normal' lifestyle. They don't all hide in dark shadows, most of them their own neighbors had no idea. Some pick on one child, some abuse the others, sometimes they give the one they have harmed 'special treatment' so they don't catch on. Your medical records from back then and the blood would convince me. And yes I think it does matter who abused you. Your opinion matters, your instincts matter and so do you as a person. I am terribly sorry that this has happened to you and I hope therapy helps.

August 2015

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