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From: Did Dad Really Do It? [TW]

Posted by Parlophone , 27 August 2013 · 133 views

Ever since I have begun to remember an incident of rape that happened to me at age 6, I can't help but wonder if I was sexually abused more than once by a different person. I wonder this because when I would sexually act out, I would do so many graphic things and I figure that I couldn't have learned all of that in just one session. [I write about how I'd act out right here in case you're curious: http://pandys.org/fo...0 ]

So, all while I'm trying to figure out the identity of any other abusers I've had, I keep remembering this one dream I had some months ago (before I started looking into my past for CSA). Now, I cannot say for certain if the dream is true or not as it did seem to get a little abstract later on in the dream, but I'll say what I saw anyways.

[Warning, this post is really friggin long. Please read it though. I really need some answers...]


In the dream, I'm in my parents' bedroom in our old mobile home (which I lived in from ages 2 to 4). In the dream, my dad makes me start to do things to him (from the little tidbit I remember, he made me touch... his thing) and he may have done things to me too. It makes me feel sad and scared. After that, I think he makes me do more sexual things, but I'm not sure.

The next thing I know it's nighttime and I'm in my room with the lamp on. I'm too scared to go to sleep because I'm afraid that if I do, he'll kill me. So, moving quickly, I pack a bag then climb out the window before running away as fast as I can, not looking back... and that's when I come to a gate. I look at it in terror and try to climb it, but I can't do it, so I end up having to go back to my room. When I get back to the room, I see that my things have been moved around. I know that he was there.

So, quietly, I put my things away and climb back into bed feeling very afraid of what may happen to me. That's when I wake up.


Now, I was too young to do what happened in the last 2 paragraphs, but that sexual part is kind of fishy...

I got curious about the dream, so today I took a look in some photo albums to see if I could again see the layout of the house and... the windows are located where they were in my dream. Now, I don't want to go and accuse my own father of doing anything, especially since I was taught that sometimes evil spirits manipulate dreams (I believe this, but only to an extent. I still believe that nightmares could be showing a person's repressed memories), but I just can't let this dream go.

Also, thinking back to that age range, I regressed in speech when before I spoke just fine; I started to become bossy, mean and aggressive (at least by the time I moved with my parents to my grandparents' house at age 4); and at some point I became afraid of the dark because I thought someone would come into my room and kill me (not sure when this phobia developed exactly). Due to my age at the time, however, it's hard for me to remember anything more about abnormal behaviours I exhibited.

And one last thing: When I told my mom last year that I was sexually abused, she asked me,"Did your dad do it?" I shook my head and said that is wasn't him. She then nodded her head and said that she had suspected that he may have done something to me, which raised a red flag. I persisted to ask her what she meant by that and she kept saying,"It's nothing" until I said that it may help me to find out who did it. She then told me:

When they were getting divorced he told her something like "Don't neglect your next husband or he might do something with the girls (me and my sister)". She then asked him if he had been touching me, to which he replied no. The thing is, though, my dad is a habitual liar and can lie with the straightest face in the world. Also, my parents had separate rooms in the house that she asked that in so... I dunno, sounds fishy to me.

Oh, and I think I should also mention that in that house (A house I lived at from ages 5-8) It wasn't uncommon for me to get urinary tract infections (until my parents divorced and we moved out), and dad always favoured me since I was daddy's little girl... I mean, until my sister got old enough for him to have fun with (and I don't mean in a sexual way). Now he's sort of mean to me just so she can be happy... BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. Anyways, that's the end of this little flashback to that house.

So... is it possible that my mind just fabricated this one day or do you guys really think that something could have happened that my mind was trying to tell me?

Source: Did Dad Really Do It? [TW]

Hope you can be patient and gentle with yourself as you work through this.

Dreams are very powerful and often, I find, provide insight into the things that I am subconsciously preoccupied with.

They are not often 'literal' for me. Eg I dreamt my mother and brother died in separate dreams and they are both still alive and well - but I know exactly why I dreamed what I dreamed about them now.

So, with this. It could be a dream-memory or it could be something else, an interpretation of something that is concerning you subconsciously. I don't think anyone could give a categoric answer right now of if your dream is 'proof' of anything to do with your dad.

What I do feel very positive about is that you will know the truth eventually, possibly very soon, because I believe it will all become clear, your conscious information and your subconscious information will mesh together ever more closely until it feels right.

So, I do hoe you can sit with all of this a little while longer. Assemble your information from your known history, your mum etc. Listen to what your dreams are telling you. It may well be exactly as you fear or it may be something a little different or totally different, but I believe you will see clearly when the time is right.


June 2016

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