I'm writing this in a slightly hazy state... not entirely sure why. When I find the courage to ask questions about dissociation to a forum full of people who have found it their only defence against life-threatening situations for ten years or more... I will do so. For now, I'm just gonna go with 'spaced out' and leave it at that.
As it is, this week is not about me. This week is about being strong for someone else. I think the next few months of my life might be the same. To say I'm looking forward to it is a blatant lie, but I'm somewhat... proud, that I can still help other people, and that they'll still turn to me, even when my head can fly into this state at the smallest thing. I've always prided myself on being a good listener, a caring friend, someone who would do anything for someone who deserved it, and sometimes people who don't. So I'm glad my messed-up head hasn't changed that.
That said... I'm having trouble.
My friend of two years 'disclosed' to me about a week ago, as I mentioned in a post in My Voice. I say 'disclosed' in inverted commas because it was less of a disclosure and more of a desperate cry for help. She lives with her boyfriend of 8 years, 4 of those long-distance, the next 4 with her living with him in his mother's house in a different country. I've always thought they've just been together so long that their relationship's less about romance and more about friendship, but... turns out it's just, not healthy. She finished her undergrad degree and did a Masters to be able to stay in the country longer and have a better chance at getting a good job. The entire time, he has been lounging around at home, no job, depressed, living on his mother's fortune, expecting my friend or his mother to cater to his every whim. He's lazy, he can't keep time to save his life (I'm talking four hours late to anything anyone arranges, including leaving my friend in the cold for hours past midnight when he's promised to pick her up, multiple times), he barely speaks to her, spends all his time on the computer. He's cheated on her six times. He uses the fact that she has no money and has lived with them for four years to blackmail her into staying with him. The one time she broke up with him, she nearly committed suicide because he left her such horrible messages.
Oh, and then the worst part... after all of this, she turns to me and says, "Tsu, I know this is a sensitive subject for you and I don't wanna put you through this, but... I need to know." Apparently, despite her telling him that she's not ready and that she's not sure she wants to have sex until she's married, right from the beginning of the relationship... at various points he's gone further than she wanted. To the point of "I'll just put the tip in". Because I'm sure that works so well for any man. It definitely didn't here. Even when she was screaming "no no no" and climbing the headboard trying to get away.
And she asked me if it was rape.
I... saw red. THROUGH dissociation. God that was a weird feeling. My mouth was making angry noises, I was trying desperately to get her to see, to understand, to KNOW how wrong it is, but... I couldn't feel it, I felt like I was fighting a haze to make her see how upset it made me. Because my reaction there was so, so important. I think I managed it, but... it scared me. I can't even control my brain at such an important time.
I've tried to get her to leave him and come live with me, but there's several factors involved... she has no money, shitloads of debt, she's on a student visa, she had a friend in the past (last time she broke up with him) who offered to let her stay with him then demanded money she didn't have and kicked her out on the street, so she finds it hard to trust... and she's almost suicidally depressed already and doesn't think she can handle what he put her through last time. Besides, she feels like his depression and laziness is somehow her responsibility to put right. She's been with him a long time, I guess.
I'm doing what I can, and I know I could help her if she let me, but it's so difficult knowing she's going through all that and there's nothing I can do. But then, I don't know if I'm strong enough to be her rock if she does end up living with me when she's suicidal. I have a horrible phobia of death... when I'm staying at home sometimes I have to put my head round the door to check my parents are breathing when they're asleep. I'm not sure I could handle having someone actively suicidal living with me when I'm not sure if I can look after myself sometimes. But I want to. I want to, so badly. I don't know if I'm just not giving myself enough credit... nothing makes me stronger than helping other people. But... god, I feel like such a mess sometimes. I don't want her to put all her faith in me and then me not be able to handle the pressure. But then, she has no-one else to turn to.
Aaaaargh. Come on life. Is this a test? Okay. I'll pass it. I can do that. I can't imagine living with the person who raped me. I just can't. I can't let her do that after four years. Not when she's finally told someone. I can do this. I will do this. I'll let my subconscious do its healing by itself for a bit. She needs me more right now.