It's been a long, long week.
Tonight marks one week since I was brutally raped during my massage at an upscale spa. As friends and family are finding out, they are so angry and hurt for me I find myself trying to calm them down. I don't even know what I feel yet they all seem so sure about how they feel.
The only place I feel comfortable right now is around my fellow therapists that I work with, and my psychiatrist, who although is a man, has been with me for 8 yrs. dealing with my husband's terminal cancer and some horrible bouts of depression and suicidal tendencies I have had to fight through. Yesterday we decided at work that there are too many triggers, since I work with victims of domestic violence, teens, couples and sex comes up a lot. Many times it is in a positive light, but right now I am having trouble differentiating sex from what I encountered....which my therapist constantly reminds me is pure violence....nothing to do with sex.
I had my one week medical check up and I still have a long way to go in the physical healing from the damage he did. I think every twinge of pain I feel, brings a full flashback to what happened...although I keep thinking it had to be a bad nightmare. How could we be battling this horrible cancer, I just began working as a therapist, and then this bomb hit our life.
The DA's office called today and now that I've correctly identified him from a line-up, although I only saw him in dim light, I'll never forget that face, they now are prepared to present the full case to the DA with felony charges. The spa owners are apparently cooperating since he had only been there two weeks and jumped from job to job, but where is he this whole week we've been waiting? All he was told was that there was a complaint and he was suspended for a week. What if he gets away? And all my information is in the computer at his work. What did he get before he committed this act? He threatened me during telling me he knew where I lived and worked. I believe him.
The detectives are hoping for a confession....I hear that I shouldn't be hopeful. I should prepare for horrible accusations against me and just have to trust the DA and all the evidence they gathered from me on the night of the rape. I don't know what to believe and the thought of this dragging on makes me feel sick. I've yet to sleep a full night.
I know the week off work is good for my clients, as I always want to be very present and right with them. I can't be present or right with anyone at the moment. I don't know what to do from one hour to the next.
I've had to resort to anti anxiety meds just to make it through the night. Please tell me that this gets easier. Please tell me that there is justice in this world. Please tell me that someone, somewhere (other than my fabulous therapist) will say the right thing that comforts me and not make me feel more agitated to worthless.
Please tell me above all, that I won't just give up on lie altogether.
Thanks for "listening." I'm going to try and rest now. Have to somehow face another day tomorrow. Betsy