angry. upset. compassion. last year's r*pe. *SA* *TW*
I remember when I told Lindsay, the owner of the bar [well first I told my friends Gwyn and Keith and Gwyn told me I needed to tell Lindsay. which I did. um] the most she said was 'well it's not a good situation'. right and give me an example of how my meeting that guy that night and us going to my place [where, in the words of Joe another bar friend, as soon as we got there 'there was nothing consensual about that night'] er. by which I mean nothing consensual followed.
and the noncensuality of the r*pe is a *good* situation? no, really. just how is that ok? [well it's not. obviously].
it's not a good situation..........well, *really?* hell I could've told you *that*! [and in fact I tried but when I did she minimised my pain and all.that] and she's minimising it to oh just that just 'a situation'? like, 'oh, she got into a bad situation'. I got f***n r*ped! it's not just 'a situation'. [again. obviously].
no it's not a good 'situation'. it's not even good, 'situation' or otherwise.
it's like she was saying. 'well by minimising it I'm telling you there's nothing either of us can do' - no yeah and I get that and that's one reason I'm so damn upset. is *because* I can't do anything about it. other than, you know. blogging and talking about it to a few selected friends. and yeah, I hate myself for not doing anything after. like, you don't even know - 'so therefore I'm not going to, you know. care or apologise or show compassion in any way'.
only furthering the pain.
so it's my fault for doing the right thing. only to have it backfire on me. um.........ok........right then. no I get it she's right I shouldn't've told her. and she would've 'won'. ok so next time then I wont.
if she's going to go 'blaming the victim', as it were. then........not like she deserves my trust. er 'she' being the owner of the bar. not that I've been to the bar in awhile as I haven't. but I mean. wow.
I'd think, [and pardon the assumption], that as a mom she'd understand. and actually care and be compassionate. look if it happened to Lindsay [I really don't know. I don't know her at all, actually] [and I'm not saying it did I'm saying *if*] then I'm sorry and she has my sympathy and compassion. as does anyone who was r*ped. I mean.......wow.
but 2 wrongs don't make right. that doesn't make it right to say what she said. makes sense but it's not right.
at least I have compassion! even if I don't express it. no I have feelings. [and when I do they're felt so.incredibly.deeply].
at least Joe, when I told him, showed compassion. like, 'wow I'm sorry'. and Pat.......oh Pat. he knew about 2 of the 3 r*pes, the one when I was 23 and the one last year. and he was very compassionate [well. but he was also one of the most compassionate people I know, so]. and I love him for that.
and. I miss him. a lot. a lot a lot.
sorry I'm just. angry. and upset. as I should be.