vitamins. taking them vs. not.taking them. doing it for all the wrong reasons. recovery. *TW*
zinc. is amazing. my god when I was taking it that's the best I'd felt in 6 months [for, those unaware I haven't had the best year. what w/ r*pe and alcohol*** and de**h. no you wouldn't/wouldn't've either. well almost year. this dec. 22nd it'll be a year. wow].
And for the 3rd time in my life - the 1st being when I was 23 [again. i'm 26 now], and the 2nd being back in Feb. I felt like I could actually be happy. like I could actually be that person.
Yes. I *was* taking vitamins. and then I stopped. a few reasons. 1: I don't have enough money to buy vitamins since my SSI amount changed since back in May I moved out of my place and in w/ my parents. yeah my friend was *staying* - no not living. *staying* I feel I have to make this v. clear - w/ me and so bc of that the SSI amount changed and I moved so.um. anyway.
oh. and I won't ask my mom to get me vitamins bc I don't want her taking care of me [and that would be one way she would] bc when she does I feel incompetent. I don't find it nice I find it annoying. which is why I won't let her. same w/ my dad. [also bc of my ptsd i'm slightly, er, 'afraid' of my dad even though he wasn't the one who r*ped me or did anything else of that nature].
So, But that's not the only reason I stopped taking them. there are 2 more. 1: I was taking them for the wrong reason/s. I was taking them so i'd be better for 'them' - my parents, sister - so 'they' wouldn't think anything's wrong. yeah cause last time they knew something was wrong they, I feel, betrayed me and blew things completely out of proportion. that's the last time I tell them anything. no wonder I don't trust them. yeah really thanks.
- [see basically what happened was they thought my friend had made 'perceived threats' the day my sister and her ex picked my friend up from my place, where he was staying, and dropped him off somewhere. ok so before that happened they knew he - again, was *staying* w/ me and got all effin worried. and took control. and so now they have enough of a reason to not trust him which I get but when I talked to him about it he's like 'yeah I knew it was misinterpreted'. I didn't tell him what he'd said just what they thought he'd did which was made 'perceived threats' and that was his reply. I can't say what they were].
See i'd never do something like that. I'd let my sister take control of her own life [no of course I wouldn't since I don't care that much. which is horrible. and I don't want to or else you end up worrying. and then, you know, betraying people. not that those 2 are always mutually exclusive since they aren't and yeah I get that. but in this case they are. I would never tell her I don't care that much since I wouldn't hurt her like that. if it were a friend of mine then yeah i'd do a bit of something. clearly I care more about my friends than my sister. which I find really interesting since i'm like. a super nice person. except, obviously, for that. so, anyway. therefore caring > worrying > betrayal]. wow it felt good to admit that. -
Oh. so me taking the vitamins [getting back to my point here]. I was taking them to get better for others. not. for me. and when I first started recovery 4 summers [it's now fall here] ago I was doing it for me. and up until now I always had been. one of the few things I was doing for me. so, you know. I was doing it for the wrong reasons. no and i'm not saying vitamins/herbs aren't important cause believe me they are. i'd know. and I do.know. yeah they really are.
see in my place I didn't take them. vitamins, that is - bc I was comfortable enough not to. I wasn't living w/ anyone and the guy who was, again, *staying* w/ me I was completely comfortable w/. I had nothing to hide from him [other then, of course, the whole SSI thing. but that's not something I tell anyone] and still don't. unlike my parents/sister. who i'm obviously not completely comfortable around. and that won't change.
so yeah if I were, hypothetically, living on my own again [damnit. which will happen again one of these days I just don't have the patience to wait. that's the ironic thing about patience is we don't want to have to wait for it. and. soon as I get a place of my own again i'm changing the effing locks. but more on that later. um. anyways] I wouldn't need to take vitamins. er. for that reason. the reason of um......... not being comfortable. since I already would be.
um so. guess I made my point.