depression and friendship
I'm hoping that seeing a therapist here will help. I also am going to change doctors--I have a recommendation for a psychiatrist with a more holistic approach.
I feel betrayed by my friends--I had a lot of friends, or thought I did, when I started becoming depressed in June. I'd only been in NYC for two years, but I liked my new friends and I also stayed closely in touch with my friends from San Francisco. As the depression progressed, I became more and more isolated, despite telling all my friends that I was really struggling. I think what happened is that I'd been in NYC for two years--long enough for my old friendships to lose some of their closeness, but not long enough to have really close friends here. I tell myself that, but it really feels like no one cares. When I start feeling that way, the depression descends fast. I had a terribly lonely adolescence after the abuse--I was ostracized by my peers and experienced a lot of bullying, including racist bullying. Feeling isolated is very triggering for me.
I feel pretty hurt by my closest friend in NYC. I confided in her in late October that I was really struggling with depression. I didn't intend to, but I started crying during dinner because I was just so sad. It made me feel very vulnerable. At the time we were talking she was supportive but after that she kind of brushed me off and I haven't seen or spoken to her since then. It makes me really regret confiding in her--I have a lot of trouble reaching out to people, and it did a lot more harm than good asking her for help. It made me feel like everyone in my life is repelled by my depression and that it's better to keep to myself and not ask for help. Though I honestly do not see how I can emerge from the depression without social support. That makes me feel like it would be a good idea to go back to visit my sister, or maybe go to San Francisco.
I'm hoping that I click with this therapist and that seeing her helps.