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climbing mountains

Posted by bluebutterfly , 06 December 2013 · 88 views

It's nearly 2pm and I still haven't been able to get out of bed.  I got up, made a cup of tea, and then got right back into bed.  My plan today was to go to the gym and then meet friends for dinner tonight.  That seems the equivalent of climbing several high mountains right now.  
 
I did go to the gym and meet a friend for dinner Wednesday evening and I actually enjoyed meeting my friend.  We met at a noodle place in a neighborhood I hadn't been to--the food was delicious and I was feeling close to the friend.  She also struggles with depression and I confided in her how I went off medication and have relapsed with the depression.
 
Yesterday I went to the gym again and then met with my doctor.  I realize I don't like my new doctor very much.  He was recommended to me by a friend and is definitely very knowledgeable.  Somehow I don't feel comfortable with him though and tend to feel worse after seeing him.  I suppose my old doctor in San Francisco was female, first of all, and she also had a holistic approach.  She supported all the natural things I do to combat depression--exercise, healthy diet, meditation.  Getting her encouragement for those steps was helpful.  I told my new doctor I'd really been struggling with depression but I'd been going to the gym every day and that was helping.  I guess I wanted him to give me some positive feedback for the exercise--it's been so hard of me to keep exercising every day when I feel this way.  But he didn't say anything.  
 
On the other hand, he suggested using liquid Celexa to try raising the dose since I had a lot of trouble raising the dose from 10mg the first time I took Celexa.  He said I could raise 1mg at a time and try to get up to 15mg.  That's a very good suggestion, and also shows that he's listening to me when I said I have trouble raising the dose.  A lot of doctors would just raise the dose to 20mg and not try to find a strategy to do it incrementally.  
 
I asked him if he thought I should try a different medication, and he recommended trying to get up to 20mg with the Celexa before trying something else, especially since I'd benefitted from Celexa in the past.  
 
Still, I felt depressed and demoralized after meeting with him and woke up in the middle of the night crying and feeling despairing.  So I'm tired today.  
 
I'm going to listen to a meditation tape for 15 minutes.  Then see what I want to do today.  I'm just so tired I don't know if I can go to the gym and going to dinner seems impossible.  
 
I wish I had a therapist, but that will have to wait until after the holidays since I'm in the middle of changing insurance.  I was feeling so desperate for help that I thought I would just start seeing a therapist and pay out of pocket.  I paid out of pocket for my old therapist in San Francisco and it was $80 an hour.  Which was expensive, but I was able to manage.  However, I called a therapist here in Manhattan that had been recommended by a friend and she charges $220 an hour.  
I was in shock.  Health care is just ridiculously expensive here.  That means I will have to wait until I get my new insurance.  
 
The last depressive episode I had that was this severe was in 2007.  At the time I was recovering memories and having constant flashbacks.  I had a therapist, a somatic coach and several close friends who lived in the same place and knew I was a survivor.  I think the lack of support this time--no therapist or close friends in the same city--is making me feel terribly isolated and compounding the depression.  Also, in 2007 it made sense to me that I was depressed--I had PTSD and was dealing with traumatic memories for the first time.  This time I thought I had recovered and would never have guessed I could fall into such a state of despair again.  In 2007 I kept telling myself I'd get through my healing process and then I'd have a good life. That gave me a thread of hope through the darkness.   Being back in this state again just exhausts me.  
 



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