I did go to the gym and meet a friend for dinner Wednesday evening and I actually enjoyed meeting my friend. We met at a noodle place in a neighborhood I hadn't been to--the food was delicious and I was feeling close to the friend. She also struggles with depression and I confided in her how I went off medication and have relapsed with the depression.
Yesterday I went to the gym again and then met with my doctor. I realize I don't like my new doctor very much. He was recommended to me by a friend and is definitely very knowledgeable. Somehow I don't feel comfortable with him though and tend to feel worse after seeing him. I suppose my old doctor in San Francisco was female, first of all, and she also had a holistic approach. She supported all the natural things I do to combat depression--exercise, healthy diet, meditation. Getting her encouragement for those steps was helpful. I told my new doctor I'd really been struggling with depression but I'd been going to the gym every day and that was helping. I guess I wanted him to give me some positive feedback for the exercise--it's been so hard of me to keep exercising every day when I feel this way. But he didn't say anything.
On the other hand, he suggested using liquid Celexa to try raising the dose since I had a lot of trouble raising the dose from 10mg the first time I took Celexa. He said I could raise 1mg at a time and try to get up to 15mg. That's a very good suggestion, and also shows that he's listening to me when I said I have trouble raising the dose. A lot of doctors would just raise the dose to 20mg and not try to find a strategy to do it incrementally.
I asked him if he thought I should try a different medication, and he recommended trying to get up to 20mg with the Celexa before trying something else, especially since I'd benefitted from Celexa in the past.
Still, I felt depressed and demoralized after meeting with him and woke up in the middle of the night crying and feeling despairing. So I'm tired today.
I'm going to listen to a meditation tape for 15 minutes. Then see what I want to do today. I'm just so tired I don't know if I can go to the gym and going to dinner seems impossible.
I wish I had a therapist, but that will have to wait until after the holidays since I'm in the middle of changing insurance. I was feeling so desperate for help that I thought I would just start seeing a therapist and pay out of pocket. I paid out of pocket for my old therapist in San Francisco and it was $80 an hour. Which was expensive, but I was able to manage. However, I called a therapist here in Manhattan that had been recommended by a friend and she charges $220 an hour.
I was in shock. Health care is just ridiculously expensive here. That means I will have to wait until I get my new insurance.
The last depressive episode I had that was this severe was in 2007. At the time I was recovering memories and having constant flashbacks. I had a therapist, a somatic coach and several close friends who lived in the same place and knew I was a survivor. I think the lack of support this time--no therapist or close friends in the same city--is making me feel terribly isolated and compounding the depression. Also, in 2007 it made sense to me that I was depressed--I had PTSD and was dealing with traumatic memories for the first time. This time I thought I had recovered and would never have guessed I could fall into such a state of despair again. In 2007 I kept telling myself I'd get through my healing process and then I'd have a good life. That gave me a thread of hope through the darkness. Being back in this state again just exhausts me.