I skyped with my friend in India this morning--I cried for a lot of the conversation. But I felt better afterwards. I gave myself a depression test and scored a 26. Below 10 is considered depression-free. Depression is such an amorphous, overwhelming state that it makes me feel better to reduce it to a mathematical calculation. I have four weeks to lower my score by 17 points, which means about 4 points a week.
I pushed myself to go to a bookstore to look at books, and on the way to the store I stopped at a clothing store and bought new shorts and a top. It's very hard for me to buy clothes for myself when I'm depressed, so I was pleased at this step. I bought a new book that looked interesting and some chocolate. On the way back home, I stopped in a furniture store to browse a bit--this was also a very hopeful sign that I'm doing better. I'm living in a lovely but almost completely empty apartment and have been too overwhelmed to buy furniture. I also passed a museum close to my apartment and thought that maybe I would go there for a visit sometime this week.
It's hard to explain to nonsurvivors, but I think survivors often understand how difficult it can be to do kind things for yourself. During earlier stages of my healing process I worked very hard on learning to nurture myself. I made lists of things I enjoyed or that sounded like fun and would really push myself to do them. Seven years into my healing process, I am much better at self-care but when I am feeling triggered or especially depressed it becomes tough again.
I've been trying for a month to get out of this depressive episode, and what seems to work the best is just scheduling a few simple, manageable tasks each day. If I don't do anything, I feel worse, and if I try to keep up my normal routine I also feel worse because every task is so difficult that it's excruciating.
While I was on my way to the bookstore, I ran into my boyfriend. We've both lived in Manhattan now for six months and have never run into each other accidentally, so it definitely was a coincidence. He hugged me, which I allowed, but I told him I was angry with him. He was about to leave town and asked if we could talk when he got back. I don't know. I felt so resolved to end our relationship, and I did feel my resolve waver when I was with him.
Anyway, I don't have to make any decisions about him right now.