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Today is going to be rough

Posted by Orchid , 08 July 2013 · 112 views

So...YEARS ago I faced my abuse head on. I deleted everything and everyone from my life that wasn't healthy for ME. I started a new life, found peace and happiness. I built a small home, was raising my daughter and took care of myself. I lived like this for a few years. I dated, but I was looking for someone opposite than my previous relationships. Nothing was serious. I fell for one guy but didn't think I deserved him. At first I thought we were in different leagues. He had issues, like we all do, but I had this major attraction to him. He couldn't commit to a real relationship, so I pushed him away. A co-worker later introduced me to a friend from out of state. I didn't think it evolve into a relationship due to it being long distance. We met, and I really liked and felt we were on the same level. I told him my history on date #2. I laid everything out on the line with complete truth...You I was, my challenges, my hopes, and my dreams. He gave me everything I wanted to hear. We didn't have a huge chemistry with sex, but I thought his other qualities were more important than fireworks. I was o.k., with less intensity because the rest of the relationship carried so much importance. Fast forward to one month after we married......HE LIED....About everything. He was nothing he represented prior to marriage. I have PTSD. He is an angry, selfish, person that will cheat, steel, and lie to get what he wants. It took me years to recognize these facts. This marriage did a number on my health. I've crashed, and I sent him an email last night to let him know a large chunk of my health is directly related to our relationship. Now I will say he seeks counseling,and medical assistanc for his own issues, so he does try. However that doesn't change the fact that I'm largely sick due to the stress. I'm not sure how he will react when he reads the email. I sent it on a day that he has counseling, hoping it would minimize the blowout...but facing truths, and pushing through tough areas is very painful. Today is Monday...not a good way to start the week. I wish I could forgive and forget. I wish our marriage could be trustworthy, but it can't be. I'm also the type of person that will forgive and forget a thousand times, but then that one last time just breaks the deal for me, and I don't have the mental capacity to ever go back and try again....I know this because he has worked hard trying to make amends, but something in me broke, and I can't make that different. It's a sad place to be.

July 2016

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