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Crumbling

Posted by scattered , 10 June 2013 · 88 views

I guess I was lucky, I had almost a whole year from when the trauma occured to when I realised what it actually was. A year to settle into my city, establish friends, and even try out a disastrous relationship.

Despite the fact that the news of his betrayal (which I learned two days ago) rocked me to the core, I still believe he's a good person, he's just floundering right now. Let me explain, this guy is not the one who r*ped me. We dated for a month, it was a good month, or so I thought. When we broke up I accepted it, I haven't had a relationship last longer than that in years. I'm accepting their impermanence now. Apparently the whole time we were dating he wanted to be having sex with his friends girlfriend. We broke up, he couldn't handle a relationship because of his depression. Fine, I understood. We still talked, we were still friends. Then I realised what had happened to me a year ago, back in April. He was one of the first people I told. He came and supported me, there were times he spent the night because I couldn't sleep in my apartment alone. I just needed someone there. Someone I trusted. Someone who I felt safe with because my world was crashing down around me. He obliged a few times. After a month(ish) he says he can't deal with it. That he wasn't comfortable spending the night, that he wasn't comfortable with a friends with benefits relationship (which is NOT what happened, not ever), and that he needed more space. I understood, we still went for coffee twice a week, and I stopped leaning on him. I should have known better anyways. It turns out the whole time this was happening, when I was falling for him and his strength, when I was at my most emotionally vulnerable, he was sleeping with that girl. The girl he wanted when we were together. The girl he was white-knighting while he slept with me. They were intimate and I was a fool. His betrayal on top of everything else is so hard to swallow, it hurts so much.

Now, after a weekend full of triggers, and things being pushed to the foreground when I've been struggling to keep it all together, it's truly feeling like things are falling apart. I have a job that I love, and it's suffering because I'm struggling to keep what's going on with me outside of work. I just want one place where I can be normal, and it's just not happening. Things are slipping, I can see the cracks, it's like a terrifying and terrible self-fulfilling prophecy. My manager had to talk to me about it today, and it felt awful. He was understanding, he has been nothing but understanding and supportive, and I wasn't being disciplined or in trouble. But knowing how obviously not ok I am to those around me and my clients bothers me. I just want one thing that I'm doing right and well.



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