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Posted by daughterofeve , 10 June 2013 · 107 views

My therapist was away for about 4 weeks. I hate it when she goes away. I struggle a lot with feeling like she has abandoned me and then I eventually find this place where I am able to function without her and go about my day to day. The same cycle happened, though the low was very very low and I didn't feel safe in myself but I got through it. Then that level of calm comes and everything feels better than normal. I'm not entirely sure if it is because I push the vulnerability away and put on my hard exterior and just get on with things but it also feels safer inside.

This is all well and good while she is away, it helps me cope without her support, though she is still available via email and txt. It is when she gets back that I struggle all over again. It then becomes about trusting that she is going to stick around again and trying to get back into the process of talking and trying to open up those old wounds all over again. Every. single. time. this happens it gets so much harder to remember why I am doing it. Why am I having to allow these feelings of insecurity and go through all this crap?

I have seen her twice since she got back and it has been a battle. A battle to trust, to feel safe with her again, to feel that she isn't going to just bail on me when things get too hard or when I ask too much of her. That she isn't going to run off when I get too much or do or don't do what I am suppose to. We battled with quite a lot of this the last two sessions and I just wasn't able to figure out why I was still feeling so unsafe and so emotionally withdrawn. I was able to talk through stuff but there was no relief as I wasn't really emotionally present in the sessions. I was still in protective mode and shut down.

I saw her yesterday morning and there was so much disquiet for the rest of the day. I journalled a lot of these emotions and still was unable to figure out what the problem was. I ended up emailing her again and trying to work through it with her and it wasn't until she replied to one of my messages that maybe this is just a space you are in at this time. We will just have to work through it together as scary as that sounds. - Work through it together. That was all it took to calm me and allow that fear to settle. She was still willing to work with me.

In our exchanges she had noted that my trusting her and being able to communicate specific information has always been hard but we both keep working and we both keep moving forward, even if that forward movement is only a millimetre at a time. I thought I was not holding back as much as it seems I have. I have always been independent but I am learning more about myself as we progress. I guess that is progress, being able to see what it is I need and learning to ask for it. The asking part is a whole other step but forward movement is forward movement.

We have been seeing each other for almost a year and I am still struggling with the trust aspect. It feels like this will never get any easier. How do we learn to trust when we have had every aspect of our trust in others destroyed in abuse?

July 2016

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