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Posted by daughterofeve , 09 June 2013 · 84 views

Up until 12 months ago I thought my life was a little disconnected but nothing unusual. My parents did the best they were capable of and yet I was a loner who either gave too much to people or not enough. I always seemed to remain on the fringe of friendship groups and move around during the term, keeping everyone at arms length. We moved around a lot due to my step-dad's employment and I always blamed that for my fear of intimacy.

At the age of 19 I had what I though was a very awkward first sexual experience, with my best friends Dad. I put away in the box of never doing that again. Then last year his younger daughter made SA claims against her father. My friend contacted me about this and asked if anything had happened with her dad and I. This then started the proceedings of being contacted by the police and formal statements being made and having to admit to myself that the event was actually non-consensual sex.

I started counselling around this time, trying to finally deal with the reality I had long pushed away. In trying to understand why I only lay there when he was on me and didn't object either physically or vocally it brought forth memories from my childhood of when I was trained to do this and how I was punished for any form of objection. My birth father, grandfather and many other men & women during the first 6 years of my life had used and abused me. Rape was just another part of my life story. I thought this was going to be difficult enough to deal with but it seems it isn't all. I am now recovering memories of 10/11 years old.

I am still quite disconnected from all of the experiences, seeing them in my mind and feeling them in my body but the emotional aspect is still removed. I am ever so grateful for that. The core belief's that I am discovering along the way are what is really making it hard to step forward in this process. I am finding myself getting stuck and movement, and even the willingness and belief I am able to, is very very slow. I hate having to just wait for things to happen and to just be okay with the pace I need etc. I want to be doing and fixing and working so that I can get it over with. I want to be able to shake myself and just tell myself to get over it already. I want to yell and scream at God in all this but I struggle with experiencing anger as a safe emotion.

So, anyway. I have made a start. I have written a very abbreviated version of my history as I know it. Many pieces put together to somehow build up a picture of who I am. It hurts to not know who you are, to feel that you are somehow lost in all that happened to you, all these people did to you. Sometimes I see myself as abused and used and it is hard to look beyond what takes up my whole focus most days. I am trying really hard to discover who I really am beyond these painful fragments. The greater picture is beautiful I am told, I just need to find out how to see it.

May 2016

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