I was 12. I was sick, very sick. I had my period and it wouldn't stop. I was passing out due to blood loss. A doctors visit turned into an ambulance ride. At the hospital they hooked me up to all kinds of machines. I received blood transfusions, the blood forced into me faster than my heart was beating it around my body. The docs decided to air ambulance me to the provincial childrens hospital. I was close to death.
I said goodbye to my family, my little brother and sister, my father. Tears. My mom was going with me. They left my room to work out the details. I was alone.
I was in my own room in the childrens ward on the fourth floor, waiting for the air ambulance. Nothing else was to be done with me until I arrived at the childrens hospital. So when a nurse came into my room and started to unlock my bed I was worried. I was taken into the elevator and down into the ER space of the hospital. I was wheeled into a closet of a room and left alone.
The doc arrived, alone. Placed my feet in the stirrups. Asked if I had ever used a tampon. And then proceeded with his tools and his hands. I was not asked permission. Nothing was explained to me. I lay there in shock and tears as he took my innocence away. My parents werent asked, there was no need for the exam. It never made it onto my charts. When my mom found out she was shocked, but I dont think she has ever know how much it messed me up.
I believed that he took my virginity that day. I believed I had gone from a good little girl to a bad one. I survived the illness but the doc still haunts my dreams. I found a guy to talk to, one with sad stories too. Only his sad stories started to play out violently on me. He turned into a stalker and a r*p*est.
I stuggled for 25 years with these events. It is only now that I know that penetrating a womans body without consent is wrong. Something my daughter wont have to work out on her own. Our bodies are ours. I want mine respected, not trashed. No one deserves sexual violence. Its the men that do this that are really f**d up.
I survived my hospital experience. I survived the abusive boyfriend. I am forever changed by my experiences. I suvived, but I still fight those two abusers every day. Every day I tell myself, Cor, dont let the f**ers win today. They are no longer in my life, but their actions to my body seem to have left an echo. Sometimes they say, 'you are not good enough" or "you need to be scared of the world". They are not going to keep me down, they are not going to win. I am going to live each day, I am going to accept joy in my heart. I am going to learn to love without fear. I am going to fight the good fight and I am going to win.