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Getting Here

Posted by HardCor , 07 June 2013 · 23 views


I am 37 years old. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am an executive at my company. A successful company. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in my life. I am happy with this life I have made with these people I love.

A Big Event occurred at work. A person passed away, a sad story, one I played a part in. A month afterward I started to experience feelings I hadn't felt in a very long time, feelings I was totally unprepared for. I started to call in sick to work. I would start to get ready for work. And then my palms would begin to sweat. My heart would race. I would start breathing rapidly. I felt like I couldn't make the drive into work.

I didn't know what was causing my feelings, but I recommend positive mental health with my employees. There was a crisis counsellor available theough work due to the death. I decided I should follow the advice I give my employeesand go see her.

I am not sure I knew the journey I started that day.

I went to a counselling session and talked about my physical symptoms. This was the first time I heard 'panic attack'. I refused to believe that I could be suffering from anxiety. I had control. I am successful. Why would I be freaking out now?

I went to a couple of sessions. The counsellor told me she thought I had PTSD. I hadn't really told her anything about myself. She taught me relaxing techniques, of which I am grateful. We did not explore the why, but dealt with the immediate issue. I learned how to calm down. A bit.

The appointments were sporadic. I was assigned a book to read and a workbook to start, and when it came to saying how I felt, I could no longer turn a page. I didn't know how I felt. I didn't know how to tell others how I felt. I would go blank.

I felt tortured. I have accomplished much, yet I can't express how I feel. What's wrong with me? Why so flawed, why trying so hard all the time?

The PTSD thing had me tripped up. I neee to seek expert advice. That's what I do in business. This is what I was going to apply to my life. I found a therapist who was a specialist in my town. I live in a rural area and was surprised I could find someone.

I had to email her my demon stories, the ones that had started to surface. I will talk about it soon, just not right now, here. It deserves its own blog.

I realized that my past was emotionally alive in me still. That what I wanted to be my past was encroaching on my now. I could barely say the words sexual assault. Saying them made me, and maybe still makes me, want to throw up.

I am a survivor. I was sexally abused. I was 12 and 13 and 14 . I am now 37. My past has always stayed there. Until now. I was silenced. I find my voice here.



Welcome to Pandys and your first blog here. I hope you find Pandys as helpful, wonderful and safe place as I do.

We have much in common. I had an executive in a financial institution and raising my two children alone. I live in a small rural town. I am a CSA survivor.

Shortly before my youngest child turned 18 I had a breakdown. Like you I thought my past was over and done with; resolved. Not so.... My past almost killed me without my knowledge or consent.

Take good care of you.

December 2014

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.