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Posted by BEAANS , 24 August 2013 · 137 views

I haven't posted any entries for a while. I've been doing well I guess, distracted by university and things, my life's really busy at the moment so I don't have time to think too much.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something right now though, so I'm back. I have a lot of issues with sex. It's hard to put my finger on it, but it's as though my mind's connection between sex and value is completely overpowering. It's like I sometimes become a different person when sex is involved. It's particularly bad when I have exposure to misogynists or dominant masculinity. I loose control. It's as if I want to be an object, but like I feel worthless if I'm not. I get jealous really easily, and feel insecure a lot. But anyway, something's happening right now and I don't know where my mind is going to go with it. I was doing so well too.

Just because you may be on the edge of something does not have to mean you are not still doing well. Sometimes I have had to change my definition of 'doing well' because I had to acknowledge that doing well when things are going smooth is not the same as doing well when dealing with the rough times. When things are good and smooth doing well might mean attending every class, getting assignments in on time, not missing work etc. When dealing with the rough stuff some of those things might slip for me. I might not make every class or get 100 on every assignment. But maybe I got through that rough spot without cutting or not eating etc. Heck sometimes things were so bad that just making it through alive was 'doing well' enough. I hope whatever is coming for you, you have support. Please be good to yourself. You can do it.

May 2015

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