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Posted by LostBabyGirl , 25 May 2013 · 69 views

I've definitely been changing over the last few months. I used to always be angry on the inside and appear to be the most ecstatic person on the outside. Now, I'm much calmer and people don't always see me acting like a fire cracker so they assume that something's wrong. There never truly is an issue, I'm just a lot calmer than what I used to be. I like for my thoughts to be together and organized rather than not have any care in the world and be wild like I used to be. I was so angry inside because I've always felt some type of strange jealousy in my heart. My friends always complain about how annoying their parents are etc but I wasn't truly given that...I've had my grandparents there and I love them with all of my heart and soul but it's a completely different feeling and love that is felt. No matter what you'll always have that empty feeling inside. I used to always look at this as a punishment but now I'm seeing it as something different. I don't know what it is but I don;t think I did anything. I can't force my mom to love me. I have this strange thing about me where I somehow get people to like or even love me. I never ask for it, it just happens. I do crave and depend on other people's love, but I never force them into it. I rarely ever tell anyone things about my childhood and they just love me to pieces. The one who I did chose to tell, I sometimes feel like she only loves me because she knows that I don't receive it at home in the "correct" ways. But I also feel that maybe she truly does love me for who I am and I need to let her. Whenever I feel myself become too close to people I push them away. I never want to give them chance to hurt me or worse, me hurt them. Idk, maybe I should just rest, between my nightmares and taking care of my grandma etc, I never get any sleep anymore



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