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Just How Things Are

Posted by LostBabyGirl , 25 May 2013 · 71 views

Sometimes I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I'm more than grateful for what I have, but I know that something is missing. Growing up I used to convince myself that I was a loser simply because I didn't have two loving parents like most kids my age had. I didn't even have one. I never felt empty until I was taught that my grandparents weren't my parents. When I became old enough to understand, my whole world was nearly crushed. Don't get me wrong, I loved having my grandparents there for me, but it's not the same thing. It's harder to confide in your grandma because of the much larger difference in age and it's harder to spend time with grandpa because of the same reason. They were older, they spent their lives working wonderful jobs, raising there many children and when another child came along after most of their kids were adults or were independent, it made things a lot different. It was like another chance for them to do it all over again but it made it even harder on them. I understand my father not being around, it wasn't his fault he knew nothing of me. He barely knew I existed until he saw my mom years later. As for my mom, she had no excuse. She was young and I completely get that, but that wasn't a reason for her to leave others to raise me. She never truly cared about me. Had she cared, she would've mentioned the pregnancy or at least stuck around to watch me blossom. Instead she teased me, she showed me her love and affection long enough to make everyone happy so that they would get off her back but she would disappear soon after. I couldn't even be with her for 2 full days without her leaving unless she was sick. Those were the days I cherished most. I used to snuggle up next to her and she could never understand why I craved her love so much. Truthfully I can't see why either. As children we want to see nothing but goodness in our parents. No matter what they do to us, we love them unconditionally. The love and bond between a mother and her child is stronger than any other love. It's so strong and can still be felt from miles and miles away. I love my mom more than anything but I can't see myself allowing her to push and pull me around. One day she will love me and show me how much she truly does, and another day she will treat me like the enemy as if I'm some girl off the streets. I've never been important to her when I should've been, even now. it's all about V, they're inseparable and I can't see why. When she first moved out into Greece with him, she didn't want me out there. She just wanted it to be all about her and him. After many months she finally allowed me, but only because his daughter, Nyia, was forced to move in with them. I felt like a million bucks, I was happy to know that she wanted me out there, even if it were to just spend time with her. But I never knew it would be the way it was. I thought she would pay me much more attention but I wasn't worthy of her time. I couldn't even ride down the road with her to the store unless he were around and the rare times that he didn't go she demanded to be alone. Every morning they had sex and didn't care to be discreet about it. They spent the day together doing nothing except drinking and getting high. They spent the evenings together eating dinner, smoking, drinking, cuddling, showering together etc. But where was my place in her day? No where, because I never had a place. I wasn't meant to be there. I was the third wheel. I'm her only child and I'm the invisible one. I couldn't buy her attention for five minutes unless I acted out.Her yelling at me, made me happy only because she acknowledged me. I became a person in her world. it took me 15 minutes to realize that she doesn't truly care about me. Each year I would tell myself soon she will get herself together

July 2016

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