This is my first attempt at a blog, and to be perfectly honest, I am unsure of what I am supposed to say, or what I am supposed to do. But, I was told this is therapeutic. I really hope that this place can help me. I know that I am not alone in this, but sometimes, that's all you feel. There are people around me who care, who try to help, but it's like seeing them in a dream. They faces are distorted and their voices just don't quite reach my ears. I have been abused three different times in my life. I have been told the first time was the worst, but for so long, I lied to myself. Lied so hard that I actually started to believe it. I told myself I was okay with what happened. That it didn't bother me. I was so wrong. It didn't really hit me till this last month. I have three beautiful children, but I am missing their childhood. I can see them, but I can't see them. It's as if like is whirling by me so quickly and I am frozen in a state of time. I have looked into free counseling. That went well. There isn't free counseling, that I can find, in the area I live in. Which, I don't understand. There are so many of us out there. So many of us reaching out, an invisible hand, screaming and crying out for help, but unless you have money in your pocket, you don't get it. Why?
When I found Pandy's it was like, a single ray of hope. If I can get help here, the way so many others have, maybe I can get better. Maybe I can stop living in the depression everytime it hits me. I can stop missing my children, my husband. To be honest, I am still not sure if this is what I am supposed to write here. I am afraid, even, which might sound just a bit silly. Or, at least it does to me. Telling about what has happened to me.. is not something I do very often. Oh, people know I have been abused, but from behind my mask, they all think I am just fine. Not a care in the world. That mask has finally cracked. And it is falling apart, finally, revealing the true me. And, I can't handle their questions, their expressions. I feel, sometimes, I should just hide my head, avoid human contact all together.