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Feeling very bad, negative, this will be triggering..caution

Posted by xpiinkx , 10 May 2013 · 141 views


This is where it starts i guess...i left here some time ago..thinking i was ok...that false sense of...normalcy..led me into some really fucked up places...anytime one had a false sense of security...they lose their ability to course that danger they had become so good at seeing recognizing...i was anyway...that stupid lull put me back in the hospital 3 times...PHP twice..partial hospitalization...and IOP...intensive outpatient twice also...plus a Sox month stay at a" resort of sorts "" it was nothing of the sorts..n it was worse then jail..
But actually i did do something that I'm kinds proud of..i went back to California to take care of a legal issue...it was dismissed..yeah...one good thing put off yen years of shirt isn't to bad i guess...o just gotta hold onto that accomplishment...
I recently found out ihad bi polar 1...I'm manic as hell right now..third day up...feel like shit...i know the crash after this is going to hurt bad.oh well what's a little more pain..not like i and it aren't best of friends...the bastard...hate him.
There's actually another positive...I've only self injured one cut on almost a year..hell yes...now that's something to bee proud of..hell i never even thought about that..I've never been able to go longer then a few months without..its been almost a year..yippee.
Now the shame i feel throws me back on the ground and stomps my heart out...FUCK...why..why..why..How dare they do this shirt to a child....take every sense of safety warmth, comfort, yes even happiness away and replace it with filth, hate anger, one of the Wooster things over ever felt in my entire lifer...FEAR...the over overwhelming guilt..hatred towards myself for what i did...i didn't care what they food to me our madder me do...to them our one of the other boys..but to do those things to one of girls..I'll, the oth never be forgiven for that...I'll never bee let into heaven...nopiink you belong in tormentedd the way you tormented Christina..and the other girls.
What makes me think i deserve anything but the hate i feel...the guilt that is so right fully mine to feel...no? You weren't there i was...i did bad things...i caused so much hurt..i did things that would make you hate me if you knew.that's ok i guess..i already hater me enough for...nothing...
There's a saying"i want to Co mitt suicide...but i don't want to die...the problem isi do want to..no I'm not in crisis...and i would go back inpatient for meet safety if needed.so don't worry.I'm only venting...I've been holding onto this passion for so long..it only gets worse never better..i do everything i can think of to make it better...nothing works...nothing...i would blame GOD but its not his fault...he didn't hurt me..duckling scum men did...i wish so muck i want a guy...i know i could just add easy or maybe easier Getty hurt if i was a girl...not if i..was 300 pound and had scars all over my face and never looked at anyone our talked to anyone...and carried a ggun i would not hesitate to use.
No..men are such pigs...I'm sorry every girl here...half of me thinks i have no business being here..the other half says tape is not that much different when its done to a guy...our...other things...animal things....Fuck i still Getty so sick thinking of this filthy animals touching me that way...and there's sick duckling adults that Getty off on a child being raped by a dog...I'm going to go throw up..bee back in moment..
It still makes me feel like i have that filthy animals cum in my stomach...i wish i would jabber angered them to the point they'd have killed me...no.that was to easy for them..they would just take meer in the back room and hurt me more and more...then get one oftheother kids and hurt them and make me believe they did it because of me...i know that it want me..now..bit i don't believe it and i still feel the weight of the guilt..doesn't matter of i was..made to..they didn't hold me down..they just said do this our this..and i blindly did it...the passion that i feel for doing things i did voluntarily to Christina alkyl never get over...when i was..with her..she looked into my eyes..begged me please don't...not them.
When i had to act as if i was rapping her...they just Sayyid gets what we want you to do..and i did it...see why i feel so much guilt for the reasons i feel the guilt i do..because i deserve it.what do you think she sees when she thinks of knee of her abusers?? My..not theirs..mine.she saw the passion in my eyes..she had k to have...didn't she??
How does this shit stop??i need out to stop...I've lived more then half my lifer a walking dead man...i don't want to do it any more..i want to know life...kind gentle peaceful happy life...not this horrid existence...I've never felt live..or even anything close to it...I've never felt anyone cared for me because out was me...i can't have normal relations because i trigger so bad....
And how date i like it at times...i don't care that the body of made that way...it was still sick...hated...disgusting stuff..my mind should have over rid the body...there was nothing pleasurable about hurting another..like if said when us boys had to be together...Fuck it..when one of the adults climbed in the bed with us out wad just the way it was.when they told is youpiink and you Christina...it was always bad...i tried to kill myself once because i couldn't get her blamin face out of my eyes...i took all the pills i could find...short some that alone should have killed me...i want allowed to die...to end this nightmare existence.
Am i wrong for thinking like this? There are things that were done to me that still make me sick...have nightmares almost every night...do Amy of you do this..I've been told i cry in M My sleep...i know i do because I'll wake and my pillow is soaked.anyone cry in their sleep?
One of the only respite i have I's I'm DID.and there are months that i don't remember anything...but the alerts do..and j can feel their pain..can't read their mind and I'm not them..bit i feel their pain, too.the things i can't remember..like fro m the age of 15=17 ..I'm told that i voluntarily went across the street to the neighbors house and allowed myself to be molested for hours by them...almost every night...my brother told me i would tell him every time i came back from there.
.then how much can i really believer the bastard that obviously did me for a year...then from 6th grader on he had his friends beat me up at school almost daily..why..cause he would do stupid shoot..like stall a neighbors bike..get found out and get the shit kicked out of him..then blame it on me.that's hire my family has always treated me...likes a disease..not wanted..needed...trouble..
.mother tells me one suicide try...howdare you do that to me....
us..what the hell does she mean..she let tasty psychotic Fuck almost kill me on a daily basis...she says she didn't know about him exploiting me...buckshot..i told her..she told me not to say anything if i did she would stop loving me...ducking Butch...oops sorry...female dog...I've triggered myself enough for now...i gotta go...piink

Sorry for the vent..any where it says passion..that's supposed to read pain...i hate auto spell correct..or choose your word for you..im saying pain..not passion.this is the worst I've felt in a long time...i wish i knew the why...this really does go beyond my ability to handle the pain...Asian..the hospital is right down the street..I've been there three times inpatient..I'm not in crisis dammit...
If i was cutting...out taking a bunch of pills..our getting a gun..then I'd be on crisis...this is just the same pain on I've felt all my miserable worthless.fucked up existence..what's new....I'm going to go kill a pillow now...piink
Besides the pillow won't feel what i do to it...better it then me....
Im so sorry. I wish I had words to fix and erase the pain... Know that I am here for you.

Btw almost a year si free is amazing

June 2016

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