I've started something
I've started something, and I am not sure what it is that I have started. I feel things that I cannot identify, that I cannot understand the cause of. To be sad and have no idea why you are sad. To be angry and not be able to pinpoint the thing that is causing you distress. I am on a roller coaster of highs and lows and a million stops in between and I am taking the people that I love, much to their confusion, along for the ride.
I go to my appointment every week, despite wanting nothing more than to cancel, and I sit, not knowing what to say or what to talk about. Feeling like there is no point and no purpose and certain that everything I say will be wrong. Just wasting time. He asks me if I am scared that he will judge me, or if I think that I will shock him, and no, neither of those things are true. If he is capable of being judgmental I have not seen the slightest trace. He is as gentle and considerate as anyone could hope to be. My story is mostly ordinary, my hurts and disappointments commonplace. But they are mine. To share with someone else the things that I think, the things that I feel would make me vulnerable to being hurt. And as much as I believe that he would not intentionally hurt me, unintended hurts happen all the time. They don't hurt any less.
I feel a sadness that is so profound that I lack the words to describe it. An empty hopelessness that I've started something that I am too weak or too unwilling to follow through.
I am afraid, and I am not sure what it is that I am frightened of.