The bright side was that every summer I could escape. I'd go away to visit my real dad and where I didn't have to be as afraid because I never had to think. I was far away from anyone who could hurt me and I loved it. It was paradise. and when I returned I could at least bare the pain knowing that next summer I'd be back where I belonged. I had hope.
13 years old, I finally got away and I came to live with my dad. I was so excited! I wouldn't have to be afraid to close my eyes. what I didn't expect was the effect it would actually cause. Where before I had hope, now I had fear. Now I knew all the times those summer vacations saved me would just disappear...because now my vacation meant going back. And so the nightmares started.
I never had nightmares when it was still happening. I went through everyday just doing what everyone expected of me an never having time to think. My mind was lost. I never reflected back on what had happened, I rarely ever remembered what had happened. Now I have nightmares every night... I go to bed and I see him. I wake up, and the memories feel like they're happening now. I walk down the street and someone's on the same shirt or at school somebody has the exact same tattoo.
When I lived with the abuse, I knew what to expect. I knew when we were alone, it would be in his room. I knew if I 'd asked for a favor, he'd want one in return. I know how to act and which times I should fight and which times laying still would save me from being there all night. I found a way to manipulate him while he was manipulating my body.
Now I can't do that. I don't know how the people here work and I don't know who to watch out for an who to keep close. It's like the worlds become a nightmare and my nightmares become the only place I feel safe...
People don't like change. We don't like plunging into the unexpected and we don't like putting ourselves on the line. We give up the possibility of a future for the security that comes with now. Knowing this, why can't I sacrifice the walls I've built for the safety waiting outside them?...
Sometimes, living a dream is a nightmare.