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Its Been a Long Time

Posted by tamjohn70 , 04 November 2014 · 35 views

It has been along time since I have bee on this page blogging my ever ending crazy thoughts. I have been busy with new position at work, school and family.  Or as my T calls it, my way of hiding from my own thoughts of the past. With the hectic and craziness I have had my share of dark days, days where I do not know if I will make it today. I do make...


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Holiday Flashbacks

Posted by tamjohn70 , 29 December 2013 · 80 views

         The holidays are a hard time for me. This year was pretty good, being really busy and trying to make myself stay focused enough not to think of the bad stuff. I spend a lot of time with my family. My parents love Christmas, the big tree goes up and outside decorations come out. There are presents for every...


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Numb sad lonely

Posted by tamjohn70 , 11 October 2013 · 144 views

I am starting to feel numb on the inside. For a while I have been up and down. On my medication and the off. Right now I am off. The feeling is weird, I want to cry (won't), I want to scream (cant), I want to talk (noone to talk to).

Feeling of being lonley. At some point I started to move through the day with no thought of anything. Stuff is getti...


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Blogging to unclutter mind to sleep

Posted by tamjohn70 , 08 October 2013 · 101 views

My therapist suggested that I start writing once a week. Her thought process is get me to preventative instead of my current reactive to bad days. I flashback whenever something happens or when it is too quite. If the flashbacks are too triggering I get depressed or start to spin. Especially when I have not slept a lot.

Last week was especially busy fo...


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Living a Double Life

Posted by tamjohn70 , 27 September 2013 · 156 views

I feel like I am living a double life. The real me is unable to come out or basically I wont let her come out because the reality is who really cares. Why make everyone uncomfortable with my crazy. Hell I am barely dealing with it myself.

Sometimes I want to scream and express what is really going on in my head. I look at people when they are talking o...


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Letter to my Uncle

Posted by tamjohn70 , 27 September 2013 · 94 views

My T wanted me to write a few letters to people who have hurt me. To get me to express my feelings and anger. I am not much of a talker about this stuff. Honestly who really wants to hear this. Nobody really does, they just want me to "get over it and move one". I despise that statement, it is insulting and dismissive. This has been a long tiring...


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Memories and Therapy TW

Posted by tamjohn70 , 26 August 2013 · 80 views

I have been bloggig regularly which has helped with my last therapy session. My T has asked me if I was having more memories and I have. One memory is of my uncle putting his down the back of my pants in public. He would do it secretive that nobody would see it. We would be sitting on the couch, he would reach like giving us a then slip his hands down the...


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From: Stress Eating Problem Since Childhood

Posted by tamjohn70 , 13 August 2013 · 107 views

I writing this with complete humiliation and shame. My eating for the past month has gotten out of control again. I do not know what to do. The stress eating started when I was a little girl. Quick background I am a very picky eater and will only eat certain things. At 42 me eating vegetables is like watching a 3 year old. I know that my compulsion to ea...


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Emotional Rollercoaster

Posted by tamjohn70 , 12 August 2013 · 77 views

You ever feel like you are constantly riding a roller coaster of emotions not able to control them. Constantly feeling in fear of losing yourself. Today that is how I feel. Problem with those feeling is you have no way of getting them out. You have nobody to talk to. Feeling alone and by yourself. Husband you cannot be completely honest with, friends who...


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TW Thoughts and process

Posted by tamjohn70 , 01 August 2013 · 72 views

I have not written in almost a month. I really did not have the energy to. With going to therapy and living my life it gets exhausting to focus on my abuse. The abuse never goes away, I will never wake up in the morning and forget what happened (even though I wish I would), and right now I am not at the "all is forgiven" stage that people speak of...






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