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TW Thoughts and process

Posted by tamjohn70 , 01 August 2013 · 87 views

I have not written in almost a month. I really did not have the energy to. With going to therapy and living my life it gets exhausting to focus on my abuse. The abuse never goes away, I will never wake up in the morning and forget what happened (even though I wish I would), and right now I am not at the "all is forgiven" stage that people speak of.

I am at the I am here stage, kind of waiting for the next break down, when will the tears will start to shed or I did not ask for this life "ready to die" period. I told my therapist it gets hard to be some days. There are days I pretend that everything is perfect and there are days I wish not to pretend at all. There are days when I will pretend to make everyone else ok. My question is when will everyone make everyone ok for me. I am not playing the victim just someone who has done what others wanted, some things at the expense of who I am and my dignity. There are days I want to go hide in a bubble, pretend that life has stopped and sleep. Imagine going to sleep and waking up and everything is perfect. Since I am not sleeping beauty I can get over that now.

My therapist suggested I start writing more to express myself. I am not big conversationalist at therapy. I am great taling about random stupid things not at personal issues. Takes me time to not feel humiliated or embarrased about my past. In my latest writings I was to take a sheet of paper, write positive on one side and negative on the other. Then write down words or sentences that were told to me that got me to the point of how I think about myself. The negative was alot longer then the positive. Next step will be to verbalize the list. Writing and verbalizing is supposed to take the power away. Allow myself to actually hear what others have said and I am repeating about myself.

Whoever said that words do not hurt or kill, needs to be hit. Words can break a person's spirit and kill their soul. I am keeping back the tears now thinking about what was said to me.

Negative= stuckup, snobby, not good enough, selfish, retarded, stupid, uppity, heartless, cold, weak, crybaby, pathetic, lazy, mean, fat, bitch workless, dumb, ugly, big nose, not smart enough, nobody is going to want you, awful sister, talks white (insult from my own race), acts white (insults from my own race), crazy, told you something was wrong with she is crazy (sister stated after I was in hospital psyche ward), not going to be nothing when you grow up, only good for one thing,etc

The worst one, that is hard for me to say or even think about was my father always calling me FATSO. That was his nickname. He would say it to me EVERYDAY, would say it in front of my mother would say nothing to him. That led to my teen years of excessive excersising, not eating and diet pills to prove him wrong. Also participating in everything to show him I could be good at something. He would always say things about my weight when I was an adult also. When I found out he was saying things about me and my husband to our kids years ago, that pissed me off. My kids came home one day in tears stating that "grandpa was talking about everyone, including them". I called my mother told her this and told her that if he does not stop both of you will not be allowed to see the kids anymore or me. Coming at me is one thing but this is not going to go into them. He got the message and kept his mouth shut when he was around the kids.

I guess writing the negative is my way of saying it outloud. Soon I will actually read the list to someone.

August 2015

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