Jump to content


Faith and Fear

Posted by tamjohn70 , 07 July 2013 · 78 views

At forty-two I can say I survived sexual abuse, physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Also a survivor of suicide. These things are not all of who I am. When I read and hear stories of other survivors it makes me think of where I came from and what I do not want to be. I get scared. I do not want to be a living, walking, breathing victim anymore. See I am in the process of healing, I take it one step at a time. Fully aware of what has happened to me and what my options are today. It is time for me to take control. What does control mean for me? It means that only I can decide my healing process, what I need to do and where I want to go on MY journey. Going to therapy biweekly, blogging and on occasion speaking about it. I just do not want my past to be who and what I am today. Let me explain. I believe that we each have to take a private journey in life. Search for our purpose and what brings us joy. At a very young age my innocence and joy were stolen. The child was silenced, used for others sick pleasure and told she was nothing. As an adult trying to retrieve what was stolen, I learned that those who love me, cannot this journey with me. They can watch, support and cheer for me. The walk and work is all on me.

Honestly, I see other survivors today and get scared. I do not want to be a victim forever. I do not want the abuse to stop me from being who God has destined me to be. I do not want to be that person hiding from life, wanting to take my own life daily, medicating to function, self harming to exist, and verbally assaulting my self with the words that were used to break me.

I am a wife, mother, sister, aunt, college graduate, Christian, friend etc. Sometimes victims forget all the other titles we hold. The titles that make life worth it. I love being a mother to two beautiful teenagers, I love being in love with a great man who loves me unconditionally. I have a small group of dear friends and extended family who care about me. My faith in God has gotten me through many a dark days and nights. I have to and do believe that we are all here for a higher purpose whether you believe in God or not. My faith reminds me I am more than the abuse. I am stronger then the abuse. It is not the end of my life's story.

Not bragging or saying it is easy, IT IS NOT. Daily I have flashbacks, I keep a safe distance between me and people, tears are shed every week, and almost every day I have to convince myself that life is worth living. With all this, it is a struggle to go from victim to survivor to just me living a very uncommon life. A life not being controlled by shame or fear.

November 2015

29 30      

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.