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Shake it Off

Posted by tamjohn70 , 03 May 2013 · 92 views

Shake it off and move on, it happened you lived. If you need someone to talk to I am here. My personal experience they really do not want to talk to you about this when you need someone to talk to, it’s not fun and it is out of habit for some to make that statement. My favorite “he did not put his penis inside you so it was not that bad”. How many of us as child sexual abuse survivors have heard those statements from someone. I have heard them and more, I am sure as survivors you have heard them also. Statements like these make me angry, I feel like my feelings and pain are being dismissed. Yes my uncle was kind enough not to penetrate me, maybe I should call him and say thank you for looking out for me. Wait, he did do other sexual things to me as a child that should not have been done. As survivors, we cannot just forget or move on because it makes everyone else comfortable. We are tired of having to pretend everything is perfect so that others will be happy and comfortable.
My voice was silenced a long time ago. I grew up at a time where children where to know their place, to be seen and not heard. When I was a child I did not know what my Uncle was doing to me or having me do to him. I just knew something was wrong, why did we have to sneak off to the basement, closet or bathroom. My way of coping was to block it out; at some point I just stopped thinking and remembering. If I did as I was told it would be done and over with quickly. He told me not to tell anyone, if I did not do as I was exactly told he would yell at me. I was afraid of him; still to this day I look in his eyes and see pure evil. The abuse from him went on for years till it stopped. At thirteen the memories of everything he did came back and that is when the depression started and suicidal thoughts.
After my grandmother died, I attempted suicide she was my uncle’s mother. I kept that secret with me since I was a child, never telling anyone but my husband after we started dating. In my mind I was protecting my grandparents and my mother, but nobody protected me. I did blame them for a long time; I wish I could have told my grandparents. I wish I had the courage to tell my mother about her brother now. I still feel like I have to protect her, but at the same time feeling like a coward. Also in my head as long as I took the abuse maybe my sister would not have been abused by him. As the oldest it was my job to take care of and protect my brother and sister. Who took care of me or protected me?
With therapy I am able to see how I showed and still show my pain. Suicide attempt, nightmares, depression, excessive drinking, not sleeping, constantly wanting to kill myself and I became a master at keeping people at a distance. I spend more time testing people to see if they are worthy of my trust then allowing them to get to know me. Secrets do not stay secret forever; they are constantly fighting to come out. I am trying to find my voice at 41, going to therapy and working on allowing people close to me. I have two great kids and a husband who I love, everything I do is for them. They deserve my best and I deserve me at my best. I want to be a survivor and not a victim anymore. I am writing to hopefully help someone that is going thru what I went thru or still is. I was molested by my uncle; I was physically and verbally abused by my father. I am still here, they took my childhood but I cannot let them have my adulthood that belongs to me.

July 2016

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