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Father's Approval

Posted by tamjohn70 , 29 April 2013 · 39 views

This past week was an interesting twist of emotions and over thinking. My father was put in the hospital for a couple days with pheumonia. My husband and I go visit him and the next day I completely forget. Then my feable attempt to reach out to someone because I felt guilt was a complete fail. Which I totally blame myself. It is funny when you tell someone how someone has hurt you in the past, they get angry. Normal response but when you feel empathy or this is still my father they do not get it. In my mind and honestly they never will. I wish I could live in a bubble where I can just shut off people, like I see others do but I can't. I just cannot exist like that.

Yes my father called me hideous names, put me down on a daily basis, punched me and beat me. In my head he is still my father, I was taught to respect your elders and your parents. It is really hard at times existing and having no one that understands where you are coming from. My husband knows but only to an extent, plus it is not something I want to talk about with him.

You attempt to reach out then suddenly you become that person, someone who is damaged or crazy with way too many issues to deal with. Even I have to admit that as fucked up as it really is, what other option do I have. He is my father, we will never hug or say I love you but I have to be there regardless. I have to do what is expected, what I want at that time or this time is not relevant.

Yesterday I went to my parents house for dinner and to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday. I kept looking at my father seeing a man that was ready to blow. He is sick health wise but I can still see in his face him wanting to say something but holding back. I am about to graduate from college with my bachelor's degree, my mother asked me that night about a party. I told her NO, yes I want to celebrate but I just can't do it with them. I want to enjoy it and be comfortable and have people around me who are really happy and excited. I don't want this ruined. I am crying as I am writig this because nobody should have to live like this. This is insane.

I remember graduating from high school, it was great. My grandparents showed up took pictures then my father had to ruin it. He started in with his usual, embarrasing me in front of my friends and family with the name calling. My father never graduated high school, so you would think he would be excited that his first born was graduating. Finally my husband (boyfriend) at the time took me and we left. How can a person be that evil and filled with so much hate. A week later at my graduation party after everyone had left my house, I had friends that stayed around. We were laughing, dancing having a great time. He decides to do his usual, picks a fight with my mother and proceeds to push her head into their bedroom mirror. My friends got scared and left, my boyfriend told me I needed to be with my mother, I told him I can't do this anymore. Yep that is when my secret was out to my friends, humiliating. I had worked so hard to have a normal teenage life outside of my home, I almost made it without my friends knowing anything. I told my boyfriend, I am over it,he got what he wanted the attention was now on him. My mother tells me what he did and then tells me to feel her head, who the fuck does that. I would never do that to my kids. Yep my childhood house and family were and at times twisted and fucked up. One thing I learned, no matter how pretty you try to decorate shit, it is still shit and it will eventually stink.

My celebrations have always been kept to me, my husband and kids. I do not trust my family to behave. I have a fear of being let down and hurt, I don't trust people outside of my little family not to hurt or disappointment. Truly it breaks my heart that I have to isolate myself to protect myself from people hurting me. Or should I say from those that are supposed to love you unconditionally. What is funny is my mother had to look at him to see if he was going to say something about a party or dinner. I was thinking really wow. I told her no that my finishing is enough and I have a friend that wants to take me out for drinks I am good with that.

As I am writing this I did not expect to be crying, feeling the pain that I am feeling now or where this blog entry was going. Thinking wayyyyy tooo much. Living and waiting for someone's approval is exhausting, I just want him to say I did good, that he loves me, proud of me something. How fucked up is that, "hey dad you treated me like shit for years but a could you throw me a bone and tell me that you love me or something, for goodness sake I am your kid"?

Hell I took your abuse for years and still are loyal to you, that has to be something. Either you are messed up or I am really fucked up for waiting, that is up in the air still?

March 2015

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