Order to thoughts
That did help, I do not trust people. For me everybody wants something and it is easier to keep a wall between them and me. I don't want people to know that my uncle sexually abused me for years or that my father physcially and verbally abused me. Still to this day my family has control over me. Letting people believe that I came from the perfect family made it so much easier. It really didn't, I just found ways to hurt or punish myself for what they did to me. When you have people who are suppose to love you unconditionally lie, abuse and use you then why would I think that anyone else is different.
When people say I love you, I will be there for you or if you need someone reach out. I do not believe they are geniune. To me it is people saying what we are suppose to say to comfort someone, then we move on. After hearing myself say it today I realized something. I am allowing what those men did to me to control how I treat people and my relationships. I do admit pusing people back does have a big down side. I do get lonely at times, not there fault but mine. It is easier to be with me and deal with me because I am comfortable with that. I do not need to bring my baggage or personal to other people.
My fear is being that person that people run away from, but how long can I isolate myself before it becomes too much. I am not going to go all out and let everybody in but maybe it is time to allow a few people to have some control or get pass my wall, verses me always having to have the control.
I still have a long way to go and I am still pissed, hurt and angry with my uncle and father, no I am not ready to forgive but hurting myself is not working either. My husband says I am changing and I know I am but I do not know where it is going, confusing and scary. Will see