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scattered thoughts

Posted by tamjohn70 , 24 April 2013 · 75 views

Just to be honest before you read my blog, I need to be blunt and honest. I live my daiy life very censored for other people. This leaves me feeling empty, hurt, tired and confused at the end of the day. Please take care of yourself when reading or if you can relate.

I recently started writing about my abuse by my uncle, this has opened alot of issues and wounds. I am in therapy which is the good side but now I am wanting to quit again. I agreed to go back because I started having thoughts of suicide alot again. My husband or I did not trust me, so here I am again, back in therapy and taking medication. There are so many thoughts in my head that I do not know what to do with, some days are good and then they can change in a split second. I wish I can make it all stop and go away. Lately I just want to wake up and not remember anything. If ignorance is bliss I would like to try it for a week.

I just wish I could make it stop, constantly thinking about the things my uncle did to me when I was a little girl and now new memories. But my thing is I went and revealed it a friend/coworker, now I want to take it back. The feeling of being too exposed and out there feeling completely alone. She read my stories but I don't feel better. I can't vent, I still can't voice it. It feels awkward, yes she made the same statement that everyone says "if you need someone to talk to I am here". I don't believe that, it is not fun to talk about and people live in their own bubbles, I just try to be the fun laughing me. Even though I am screaming and crying on the inside all the time.

I wish I could forget, I wish I did not feel like a broken adult. Who is still running around trying to make everyone else happy and comfortable. When do I get to be comfortable and really happy????? :confused:/>

July 2016

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