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tamjohn70's Blog


The Day Before

Posted by tamjohn70 , 08 July 2013 · 95 views

Today I am not having a good day. Sitting here wanting to cry and keep having thoughts of ending my life. Tomorrow is my therpay appointment so I recognize the day before the appointment I get like this. I really hate talking about the abuse, what is going on now in my life and why I see the world the way I do. I wish I could me normal, I wish I could c...


Faith and Fear

Posted by tamjohn70 , 07 July 2013 · 65 views

At forty-two I can say I survived sexual abuse, physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Also a survivor of suicide. These things are not all of who I am. When I read and hear stories of other survivors it makes me think of where I came from and what I do not want to be. I get scared. I do not want to be a living, walking, breathing victim anymore. See I am...


Child Within Me

Posted by tamjohn70 , 02 July 2013 · 75 views

I remember in one of my therapy appointments, my T asked me if I knew what my inner child wanted? My answer was I do not know, I lied. My T suggested I speak to her, that I have been doing. I do know with no doubt now what my inner child wants. She wants to be free, she wants to be able to speak the truth. She is tried of pretending everything was ok....



Posted by tamjohn70 , 01 July 2013 · 53 views

I have alot of thoughts of the past. My wish is to wake up and be normal, my wish is to one day be able to tell my family what happened. My wish is to not allow my past to control me. One day I won't be a victim I won't be a survivor I will be just like everyone else. Sharing my stories of a not so uncommon life.

We all have wishes and one day my...


Tired and over thinking

Posted by tamjohn70 , 29 May 2013 · 54 views

last night I did not get any sleep. Spent too much time thinking, on twitter and 1/2 watching tv. Today I am going to see my T and show her a few things I have written. I think it is time for me to go forward and let her push in my therpay sessions. She has been waiting for me to let her know when I was ready.

I am at the point where I need to start b...


stuck confusion tired

Posted by tamjohn70 , 22 May 2013 · 76 views

I am feeling stuck right now. Don't know if I should go to the left or right. I am not going to reach out anymore to people. I am discovering that as much as the few who know about me say they want to be supportive or be there they really cannot handle it. I am not upset with them I just wish people would stop saying what is "politically correct...


One Day at a Time

Posted by tamjohn70 , 16 May 2013 · 61 views

Life for me is one day at a time. I do not know where anything is going,I am trying to hold on tight for the ride. I which I could talk more to my husband about what I am doing. The blogging and writing my story for a website. But I think I know what he will say. Why are you doing that? But I could be wrong.

Right now I do not want people censoring my t...


More Memories and Truths

Posted by tamjohn70 , 11 May 2013 · 67 views

I am now three sessions into my talking therapy. So far we have gone over my anxiety, allowing people in my personal space, allowing people to get close to me and being ok with opening up. This is my therapistís attempt at preparing me before she starts getting deeper into my abuse. The last time we got to this point I quit, called the day before my app...


Back to the Beginning

Posted by tamjohn70 , 03 May 2013 · 77 views

When I was thirteen I remember when the memories of what my uncle had done to me for years started coming back. I was sitting on the couch in our family room watching a talk show and the topic was on molestation. While watching the show I did not know what being molested or raped was, this was 1982. My head started to spin; I got sick to my stomach and...



Posted by tamjohn70 , 03 May 2013 · 50 views

Memories are funny they come and they go, I have good ones of my childhood. Then I have ones I cannot get out of the head when I try. Right now I have too many bad memories that are constantly playing over and over again. One is of my uncle molesting me in my grandparents basement (nothing new), but in this memory there is someone else there. On this d...

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