Ending Winter Break
Basketball Tournament/Sharing a bed with someone who slept with one of my r*pists
My last Friday/Saturday of break was spent at a basketball tourney out of town--one that we stay at a hotel for one night. I really feel isolated from a lot of my team mates (I'm not great friends with any of them) which is fine until I have to actually bond with them and stay in a hotel room with them and stuff.
So, just my luck, I had to share a room/bed with this girl who slept with one of my abusers this summer. She doesn't know that I know this, but she knows I accused him of r*ping me. I've had a really hard time being around her and have taken a LOT of time to be able to even feel somewhat comfortable having to talk to her, so it was really stressful to have to sleep in the same bed as her. Even though she didn't say anything particularly triggering, and we didn't fight or anything, it was still really uncomfortable being that close to her--I hardly slept at all.
This made me a little stressed and distant during the tournament--and that mixed with some stressful games meant that I was really exhausted and not really willing to be around people for the last day of the trip and the ride home. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough right now to go to school tomorrow and face her and some of the other girls on my teammates who were being particularly mean to me. I'm just tired of being around people who associate with the boys and people who act childishly mean to me.
College is starting to sound really awesome...
Triggered at WorkUsually, for me, work is pretty relaxed. I work at a locally owned fro-yo shop and during the winter months it's pretty slow and, being the only one there most of the time, I get to read and write and get work done. Today, though, someone came in who looked a lot like one of the boys who r*ped me. I was able to hold it together until he left, and then I absolutely broke down. I had to go sit in the back because I was having such severe flashbacks. It's been a really really long time since I've had that big of a panic attack, and it came at such a bad time..with going back to school and all.
I was able to keep it together pretty well for the rest of work...albeit I was pretty spaced out. It just really shook me up to have that bad of a flashback. And again with having to go back to school and be around people again after that happened--not looking forward to it.
So...after I've been thrown all of these challenges I have to find some way to function at school tomorrow without breaking down. All I'm really hoping for right now is that the boys with have gone back to college by now so I don't have to be anxious about seeing them at school or at my basketball game on Wednesday.
I really want tomorrow to be a good, peaceful day. I'm going to try and keep some sleep so I can at least control some of my anxiety tomorrow.