I've been dating a guy, that I love very much, for over two years now. One of those years has been long distance because he's in college and I'm still in high school. Things were really going great last year...we skyped a lot and he really helped me in my healing process even though the assault happened during our relationship.
This year, though, long distance has become more difficult for him. He says that he can't feel intimate or connected over skype in the same way that he feels those things when we're together. He's brought up the option of taking a break twice this year (something we've never even considered before) .
Although he reassures me that he loves me and wants to be with me...my anxiety won't let the idea that he will be happier without me or that I am a burden go. He doesn't want to talk about it until he gets back for Christmas break (in 3 days), and right now when we skype and talk things seem fine but HOLY S*** I'm having a hard time handling this.
I did do a couple positive things for myself though--things I'm really proud of because I took a stand for my feelings instead of putting others before me like I almost always do:
-I told him that he needed to be the one to make the decision of whether or not we stay together, because my mind is firmly made up and I think it would be best for us to stick it out.
-I told him that there was no middle ground if we did break up. As in: we cannot be friends or even talk for a VERY long time after the breakup. I'm not willing to put myself through still loving him and pretending to be "just friends".
-I told him that I wanted him to do what was going to make him happiest, but that I wasn't willing to put myself through the roller coaster of emotions that worrying about the relationship ending forces me to go through.
This all being said--I know that he still loves me, and things always seem better when he's back. But I'm worried that,with me going to college next year and the impending 4 extra years of long distance that brings up, he won't be able to handle the emotional toll it takes on him.
Christmas Break-the boys who r***d me are back in town
and, seriously? eff that. It sometimes feels like when I'm doing really well a break rolls around and the boys are back at the school visiting old friends and teachers. Over thanksgiving break I came out of the weight room during basketball practice and there one of them was...just talking to the football coach like he belonged there or something. I went through hell last year going to the same school as them and dealing with being around like 100 people that didn't believe that what happened to me was true. I feel like I've earned the right to walk around this same school and not feel scared...in fact I know I have.
But now the boys are back, and somehow just knowing that will send me into an anxiety attack or panic attack. It's been over a year I feel like this shouldn't be happening any more.
The other thing is that I love reading...but I'm still triggered by reading about sexual assault. Again, it's been a year, and this is closing SO MANY wonderful books to me because I know they will just send me into a panic attack. I don't know what to do about it...but I also don't want it to go on forever.
I just want this cycle of being fine and then having 3 panic attacks in a week to end.
yeah, so, i don't know. This is really long blog entry...thank you if you read any part of it. I'm going to try to do this more consistently--it feels really good.