Pandora's Aquarium: Future - Pandora's Aquarium

I have come to realise that my dad is just not worth thinking about. I do not call him dad any more but his name (M) if I have to make any reference to him. I do not want anything to do with him. These last few months through what he has done and talking to different people I have realised he will never change and be the father that I need. He will never love me, or be there for me. He will always hurt me mentally, physically and sexually, and constantly let me down. People know I do not have a father. I also tell them I do not have a mother, but that is slightly harder to accept at the moment and am still in some contact with her. We have no physical contact now but I am not able to cut the telephone calls at the moment. I suppose over the last month or so, I have grieved losing my dad even if M was never really a dad. It's sank in that I really do not have a father and as far as my future is concerned, I have to hide everything.

My boyfriend has arranged to propose to me, I know I shouldnt know about this, but I do. He has been talking to someone else about it, who has told me and with his hints I know when he is going to ask me. It has got me thinking of weddings. I can never have a traditional wedding, with the brides family on one side of the church and the grooms on the other. My side would be empty, and his side full. I would be worried that M would somehow manage to get to the wedding and spoil everything. I certainly dont want him there. I can never have a normal wedding. I would have to run away to get married. So my boyfriends family couldn't be there either. It excludes everyone. I have absolutely no one that are my friends/family (and not friends of us both) that support me marrying this man. No one would be attending a wedding for me, and be happy for me, because there is no one.

It feels so isolating that I have no one supporting me. That a whole church would have no one behind me. That I am completely alone in this world, I have no family to fall back on. I think for so long I pretended that I had the family I wanted, to suddenly realise there is no one has been devasting for me. I know I am better off without them, just miss the whole concept of having a family.

Last christmas I went to my grandma's, but this year I have no where to go. No one wants me. Christmas is a family day so what do you do when you have no family? My boyfriend is working, so I am spending the day on my own. If he does manage to get the day off, I visit his family, still intruding.

The kids asked me yesterday when they get to see my mum and dad. How do you tell a 3 and 6 year old there are no pictures of my parents at the house, because it makes me sick looking at him. That they will probably never meet them becuase I want to protect the kids from harm and dont want them in an environment where M could hurt them. How do you tell them my parents are dangerous, and hurtful and would not love them. That M is a monster that preys on small children.

I do not even have a next of kin. No one to contact if I am in an accident. My next of kin at the moment is M and my mum, becuase I dont have anyone else. If they turned up at my bedside I would wish I was dead.

I know the mourning stage is normal when you lose a member of your family, or in my case all my family and it will get easy. I am living for the day and trying not to think about the future becuase at the moment it is too scary to be alone through it.