I want life.
The depression was so overwhelming that I stopped being who I was. I care about people SO much. It's my most crippling weakness, and it is also my greatest strength. But the depression turned me into someone I didn't know. I stopped fulfilling my role as a friend, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter--roles that I once very much loved to fill. Helping people is my purpose. I have always know that, but the depression made me lose sight of it.
The depression made me selfish, in a way. It twisted how much I wanted to help people into how much I helped people but never got help in return. I became bitter. Depression is a master at causing bitterness. For years, all I could talk about was how awful my life was. How terrible my existence was. My life couldn't get any worse because it was THE worst. All I could see was the darkness.
I thought that was my rock bottom. I thought that I quite literally couldn't get any worse. And in my mind I wondered 'If it can't get worse, why isn't getting better?' I mean, don't they always say that the best part about rock bottom is that there is no where to go but up? Unfortunately, I had convinced myself that I had reached rock bottom, and that things could only get better. So I waited for the better days to come.
I waited for a very long time. And then, one day, something happened and I was slapped out of my delusional state. I was attacked and every ounce of my sense of self that remained was ripped away from me. That was when I realized the truth.I hadn't hit rock bottom. Because rock bottom isn't really a place. It's a state of mind. I spent so much time thinking that things couldn't get worse that I forgot what it meant to live.
Things can always get worse. I am blessed to have the people who love me. I am blessed to have a counselor who is there for me. I am blessed to have the vast range of empathy that I do. I have a place to live. I have a computer I can use to keep connected with people I don't ever get to see anymore. I have food. I have an amazingly supportive mother. I have a best friend who has stood by my side through EVERYTHING the past 10 years--the WORST years of my life--but she never gave up on me. I have a sister who is amazing. I have a kitten who is adorable and spunky. I have a great intellectual mind and I have a hunger for knowledge. I have my creativity. I have music. I have my ability to write. I can see the beautiful colors in the world and I can hear the symphony of sounds around me.
I have so much. Screw rock bottom. I don't want to sit around waiting for it. I want to live. I want life.