I always hoped to save myself for my husband. To only share all those special things with just one person. And now, now I'm finally allowing my memories, I feel so dirty. I wasn't only forced to do what I had hoped to share with the one I love deeply, I was also forced to do things I'd never considered of doing in the first place, because it just wouldn't suit me. It's just not me. Like oral sex. I can't even imagine it's nice to have that stuff in your mouth! Or anal sex. I've only heard it is pretty painful. And that are then the things that you know 'very perhaps, someday...'. But what about eating food from each others bodies? Who on earth made that up?! Or being hit? I never, ever thought those things would happen to me. Let alone be forced upon me. I never thought about my body being kissed all over. And now? Now I realize more and more that all those things have been done to me. And not just me. But a three, four, five year old me. Who does that?! It makes me feel dirty, used and just a piece of meat, only good for using. It makes me feel like an object. An object used for pleasure. An object to do all the dirty things with. The things some wives would not even do. It makes me sad, hurt and angry. But most of all, it makes me ashamed. It makes me feel dirty.