The dark years after the attack , I was in a place of hurt drugs , fake people and fake healing, during this time of being high all the time and not a very nice person, you come across people also high and also fake, who wish to debate rape with you. Now if I was sober and in the state of mind I am now I wouldn't of disgraced myself and all others who have suffered, but alas I wasn't sober and wasn't in a good state of mind. However, one of my wisdom insights that I have , willingly or not, been unable to shake of its ....bitter logic , was when I was asked by some dime a dozen girl wearing glitter as garments and chewing her eyes balls to bits ' I'd just want to hurt him all the time , how can you not how can you ...live with it' now I'm sure the ignorance of this girl or the reckless abandon of what she said, I wanted to really get under her skin , I wanted to disturb her. So I told her this 'I forgave him I have forgiven him ,I love him he is a part of me now and always will be, so why punish myself by hating or fearing him ' this didn't have the desired effect and just puzzled her out of the conversation. However many years later , sitting here and thinking of what to base the first post on my blog on . I remember this girl and our conversation in the kitchen of some house I have no idea who's. now amongst people who know who feel who hear, I put this to you , forgiveness , I ask you your opinions on this , now by forgiveness I do not mean shaking hands with the person who ripped your life out of you , who stole you empathy and turned you into a low functioning sociopath , but forgiveness within your soul , forgiving the universe for the hand it dealt you , or forgiving yourself for the dark places your mind takes you within the first year after the attack. I do but only seek to start debate with experiences I have had , and I respect you all and your stories I have deep love and peace within this community that I have been part of not even two days. I just wished to get some substantial pros down of my self , and make a mark even if noone reads this , for myself. Peace love and healing to you all .