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Velvateen Charlotte

Posted by LikeCharlotte , 16 May 2013 · 120 views

Another short entry. After last weekends debacle of being grabbed in a crowd I am afriad of stores, busses, trains and general closeness. I kniw it is irrational. I know it was one person in a huge crowd but it cannot be that I ALWAYS run into that ONE person. It is far more likely that the world is dangerous and these (string of curses) are everywhere. Anger and fear. Over and over.

Suddenly today there is something new. I read someones post about a pushy obnoxious friend, and I cried. She was describing my husband. I spent the first year were married and a good portion of our realtionship thus far being triggered by his pushy manipulative ways. In the last year, after a articualry nasty incident (the anniversary of which is this week) he has learned to respect my boundaries more. Im not ready to talk about it all.
It took me months to get my head together enough to venture out and start trying to find work. I am isolated, very much, where I am and I am glad he is not treating me this way anymore (although sometimes he does argue/lie still).
A year ago all I wanted was to get enough money to leave. It took so many months just to stop feeling scared and confused, then to get myself in a position to work. Now I don't know anymore.
Do I see him as a manipulative pushy abusive jerk or was he just acting in a way he thought was normal and I reacted as a person with PTSD and it got out of control? This is what I hate most about living with trauma. I have no idea what is normal. I stood up for my boundaries, eventually they were respected... but should I even be here?
We don't have $#< . I'm still working on how to make myself able to feel intimate with him again. He scared the crap out of me on more than one occasion. :/

I have been trying to process all of this while remaining PRESENT and dealing with emotions rather than closing up and living to get through it, then running away. The default LIkeCharlotte position is wall up and RUN.
ugh. too much.



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