Ripping the bandage off
The quick numbered list.
1) The Minor on Minor rape and assaults that took place over a period of a year or so (?). These were sometimes violent but because I didn't end up in a hospital and it was kids, I like to call this "not so bad". I know that is wrong and that these assaults were horrible. Age 12-13
2.) Picked up by someone who was probably a pedophile. Taken to a run down room with a mattress on the floor. Raped. He held me down but did not hurt me. HE tried to give me drugs and alcohol. I cooperated as much as I could so that he might take me home. I only remember his first name. He eventually did because I was totally numb and did not react. I did not tell anyone at all because I thought I would get into trouble for meeting with this strange guy and going so far without permission. I also believed that this was what sex was supposed to be for a long time. Once I realized, I tried to tell a trusted friend but ended up lying because she reacted to it as if it was my fault. I changed the story and told her it was a guy I knew (lie)and I was just 'not sure at first'. I even changed his name. Evidence that I was getting really messed up inside. Age 13
3.)Given alcohol and raped by an 21 year old. I 'willingly' had sex with this guy in order to get alcohol. Although I can't imagine he thought the stiff, un-reacting girl was willing or old enough but if he did, then yeah I was 'willing'. After the first time he tried to get me to drink a lot. When I refused he tried to force me but I spilled it on the ground. He caught me and said that I didn't "have to drink". He then took me into an abandoned car in his friends yard to 'talk'. He held my throat and raped me in the back seat. I could not breathe for most of it. I did not scream, yell or struggle because I was blacking out. Afterward I don't know how but I had the strength to tell him off, tell him I know he knew my age and run off down a highway, where someone might see if he tried to grab me. He followed and eventually I accepted a ride home. Age 13. There is more to this. No more now.
4.)Had a few boyfriends that made me feel safe. Had others that took advantage. I was like two girls. I never said no but I never said yes either. I tend to think that whatever way 'sexual' relationships went with me was just a reflection of the kind of person/guy I was with. I was staying in a house with some people, they let a guy come into the room I was sleeping in, he fondled me and I froze. He thought I was asleep. It took a long time for me to have the nerve to get up and hide. I may have still been 13.
5.) Got picked up by a guy and held in a car. He held my head and forced me to kiss him. He was rough. He told me he was out of jail that day. I didn't ask what he was in for. He took me onto an interstate and when he finally stopped I ran. I escaped, called a friend... got picked up by the next guy. I had to make a choice, fast.
6)Narrowly escaped a really creepy old man with the handles removed in his car. He asked me if I 'needed a ride'. I was most certainly going to get raped and killed by the guy above. I went. There were no handles in his car. My first thought was "Oh, Shit." I somehow convinced him to take me back where I came from. I think he expected sex or oral sex, and I also think h would have raped me but he seemed to want an innocent virgin, or an inexperienced child. When I realized that telling him I wasn't was turning him off, I acted older, let him ask me sexual questions lied and he let me go. Age 13
7.)Had my first totally consensual sex. He shot himself. I went into a hospital, unwillingly. I was pregnant. Every person I knew at all alienated me, even my family. I made new friends, went to a new school, started using drugs, smoking and drinking frequently... was forced to give oral to a guy at knife point in the woods.
8.) Was brought to another guys house, family home... held down, raped. I wouldn't kiss him or react even though he moved my hands. I clenched my teeth. I didn't scream. Age 14
9.) Guys like to tell people they had sex with me when they didn't. I drink heavily when I drink and sometimes don't remember well but I am sure I am not doing these things. There is an incident where a 'friend' brought me to a concert and gave me LSD. He swears we had consensual sex. He is someone I would never have sex with. I remember nothing. I was either raped while so high I did not know what was happening or it did not happen. I will never know. At this point my memory is starting to break-up and I am not sure of reality. I am in therapy for a year, I haven't mentioned the assaults. Age 15
10.) I have a long term boyfriend with whom I am 'taking things slow'. We start having sex frequently. I start to understand what normal healthy sex should be like. I sometimes 'blackout' during sex with him. I do not tell him why. I still never said no. On one occasion he asked me if I wanted to try anal sex and I was unsure, he did it and I blacked out. I never told him that I didn't want to. We dated for four more years. He had no idea how messed up I really was.
11.) I take a ride with an 'old friend' who lived in my neighborhood. He was not part of the group of boys who hurt me. He was older and always nice to me. He used to brush my hair and scare the horrible boys off. I was happy that he wanted to 'catch up'. He did not. He parked in a new build area of townhouses and unzipped his pants. He told me his girlfriend couldn't know. I tried to say no, he started pulling my head and didn't let me out. I tried to tell him 30 ways that that wasn't why i went with him. He knew that. I was hopeful that he didn't take me to this place to rape me. When he got forceful I figured oral was better than him ripping my clothes off and I did it. I never spoke to him again. I didn't want to admit what happened. I didn't want to get accused of "cheating and lying about it". Which was all I heard about girls who said they'd been raped. I blocked it out. - Age 15 or 16
12.)I would occasionally find my self trapped with drunk or high guys. I don't know how many times. I don't think it went too far. At this point,I had no memory of previous attacks. Sometimes I froze but I started to run away and stand up for myself more. I was still in therapy. I still didn't tell. Half of me was living as if nothing was wrong. That half was getting healthier. I was dating the same guy. Age 16-17
13.) I took a guy home with me instead of letting him walk my half passed out friend home, because I knew it wasn't safe. She really liked this guy. I got him away from her by promising beer or pizza (i forget) I was not as drunk and I felt like I was saving her. I tried to send him home after he pushed me on my bed and kissed me. He would not go. I tried to play along to get him out. He raped me, vaginally and anally in my own room. I blacked out again. I woke up in a lot of pain, with bruises in my wrists, arms and legs. He smelled so bad of alcohol I almost threw up. He was still across my bed in the morning. The first person to my door was the girl that liked him. I was afraid that she would hate me and that my friends would blame me and not believe me. I never told. I threw him out and told him to stay away from me. I spent the rest of the semester hiding in my room. I barely went to class. I was in shock and it ruined the hard earned work i did in therapy and high school, so that I could go to school. Eventually, within that year, I 'forgot' that this happened.
Age 18 in College
14.) In an abusive relationship with an addict. Woke up to boyfriend having sex with me several times. He tried to get me pregnant so I would stay. Many restraining orders. More on this another time. Age 20-23 I stopped drinking and using drugs casually after this.
15.) Started examining my life to get out of abuse cycle. Went through long periods of homelessness confusion. Had a second diagnosis of PTSD due to abuse. Still did not remember. I lived on a sort of numb auto-pilot for years. I could not understand why I did not feel 'love'. Sex became a way for me to cope. I never understood why healthy normal guys didn't want to stay with me. Deep self-loathing was taking hold. I was not worth real love. Age 23-25
16.) Feel in love with another survivor. He made me open up about it. The relationship ended horribly. He was just too messed up and lost. He cut himself in front of me and threatened suicide. It had to end for my sanity. I vowed to get better. Age 25
17.) Sporadic therapy when I could afford it. Some medication and lots of self help. I've come a long way in over 10 years. I've got lots of my memory back and its tough to deal with it all. I don't like knowing how badly I treated myself, on top of everything else.
17.)I am married. I wouldn't call it healthy, but it's not that bad. It is actually getting better. I don't know if I am okay or not and so I am here trying to take the next logical step. I am not ready to go back into therapy right now. Fighting a major depression and I don't want to be influenced to take medication just yet.