Lesson I learned today
Apparently I like to take responsibility for everything and everyone. I like to save other people, always put them first, and with that forget to think about me. I guess thatís a problem SA survivors very often have.
My therapist asked me why I donít take any action to make sure the sexual abuse doesnít happen again, why I donít take any real action to make sure that Iíll never see this man again.
My answer was: I donít want to hurt his family, if I take action they will get hurt. The man is my dadís friend, I donít want my dad to get hurt and loose a friend over all of this. The guy who abused me is part of a big group of friends which both my parents also belong to. If I would stand up and tell people what he did, that group of friends would collapse completely, it would damage close friendships beyond repair and I do not want to be the cause of that.
All in all, I believe, if I take action, report, or go public with what he did to me, I feel that it would actually cause more damage than there is right now. Also, the guy is not a terrible guy, I donít hate him, I hate what heís done to me, but I donít hate the man himself. I keep thinking that maybe he doesn't even know what he's done, how it has affected me.
And when I said all of this to my therapist today, she just said one thing.
ďSTOP IT. STOP TRYING TO SAVE EVERYONE ELSE. ITíS TIME YOU START SAVING YOU.Ē
Iíve never thought about it like that. Iíve never really been conscious of the fact that I tend to put everyone else before me. Itís was very confronting to have it finally said out loud to me. But sheís right, sheís so right.
But alsoÖ. Iím so incredibly terrified to really take action against him. I truly donít know if I can. And if I even want to.