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I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen and love someone...

Posted by sjel , 02 March 2013 · 26 views

I have been recently somewhat obsessed with Imogen Heap's "First Train Home" particularly the line "I want to run in fields paint the kitchen and love someone, but I can't do any of that here can I?" And altough I feel she is relating that to a casual or unstable relationship, I feel that is how I feel towards my current mental/emotional state. I feel that there is so much for me to deal with before I am capable of having a healthy relationship even though all I want is to "get on with getting on with things".
But I don't know how. I have no insurance to help cover the cost of therapy and am ineligible for any help with insurance costs from the state, which I would feel terrible about accepting as it is. Although fairly liberal in many ways, I hate depending on other tax payers for any financial benefits. But thats besides the point. I can't afford therapy. I can't get affordable insurance. I make less than 15,000 a year and support myself independently along with being responsible for several debts accumulated during my marriage.
But I need something. I want love and to give love. And I need to be completely healthy to do that. I don't want the person I love and care for to have to deal with whatever repercussions occur from late February til early June as a result of what I went through. I want to deal with it, become healed from it and be able to move forward. Part of me though feels like that will never fully leave me. Not to mention the hell I go through from late August to early September.
I complied to non consentual sex during the months of April May and June. In August I miscarried a pregnancy from marital rape. I experienced the most twisted emotions I had ever felt during that time. I was relieved because I could not bear the thought of raising a child and permanently being involved with someone so selfish and harmful to me. At the same time, a child is such a beautiful precious gift and part of me saw it as the one good thing that could come from the hell I had been through. None the less I felt relieved as I was planning to get out of my mariage as soon as possible. Not long after that, my ex tried to punch me in the face, which I manage to flinch barely far enough to avoid. His fist brushed the tip of my nose and hid my head rest. I then proceeded to say I wanted a divorce and felt more relieved than ever that my pregnancy had not progressed. I still feel terrible feeling that way. I wonder what that child would be like and long to have a child someday, but I am glad for the opportunity to potentially bear a child under more stable and optimistic circumstances.
I have been on a tangent now. What I started out to say though is that I want to feel healthy year round, not just during the "off" season. I feel like I am only truly stable during parts of the year, the other parts I am wrestling and struggling to feel normal or just okay. To feel safe and secure. To not be hurting or struggling. To not be angry. I know I need more than me to fight this and the few people I have shared my experience with try to be there, but they don't and can't understand for various reasons. I just look forward to the day when I can seek counseling and work through this with professional help rather than feeling so much like I am battling it on my own.

July 2015

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