but its gotten a little out of hand. im always in a state of anger, but today it was extreme. and then the delivery guy complained about walking the steps up to my place, so i told him to stop fking complaining and be happy he has a damn job.
this is not me. its now who i am. im not that angry. im actually a pretty easy going person...i used to be, i mean. ive always had issues with how to deal with the past, i guess i havent dealt with it yet, but i had a sense of humor. i liked people, i liked socializing if not the most social of people. i even played on a sports team and held a job as a workshop trainer.
i suppose part of it is slipping back into old cycles...i moved away from this state because of family and memories and had made a lot of progress on my own life and healing, moving away from old cycles. but now, almost 20 years later, i find the old cycles are still there and emerging in unexpected ways. the last time i was here, art & writing saved my life. having an awesome therapist also helped in incredible ways. i trusted her with everything and she was amazing. just the right mix of compassion, professionalism, intelligence, encouragement, distance. she was an expert thats for sure....the first therapist i had that i opened up to i didnt trust that much. there was something insincere about her, but i nonetheless did a lot of work with her too and made lots of progress.
one thing i am having extreme difficulty with is staying positive. the type of work i am routinely attracted to is social justice work..i passionately believe in social justice with all of my heart and mind. it makes sense from a purely stylistically logical perspective that everyone in society ought to have their basic needs met in a way that is meaningful, empowering, connecting and compassionate. capitalism is parasitic at best, predatory at worst and i have always hated predatory...so to me, capitalism is like a dysfunctional social system designed to create power imbalances and keep the powerless that way while privileging the powerful. it is far too much like an abuser or battering dynamic for me to see any redeeming qualities in it at all. there are better systems and have been better systems historically.
anyways, so being in social justice requires a lot of positivity. it requires a lot of compassion and healing energy as your are working on trying to facilitate a best outcome for all people involved and lots of it is just basically negotiating or mediating perspectives. being able to see the merits in all perspectives is very helpful. however, i have been extremely negative lately with all or nothing thinking. i cant concentrate either...i try to do my work and all i can hear in my head are these awful negative thoughts repeating over and over again. the things i used to do to redirect are not working and/or i havent the energy to do the things that used to work. like running and lifting. i love these things, but i havent had the heart to leave my apt. im isolating big time. i just need an outlet until i can go back to these things. im holding on to the knowledge that when i leave here and leave my blood relatives behind things will begin to heal again