A letter to my fantasy high school boyfriend
Thanks for listening! Sorry in advance if I unload too much.
I donít even know where to startÖI donít know who or what I am anymore. My life is not at all how I pictured it at 18. I think since this is the 20 year mark after graduation, itís making me think about it. And I donít know exactly why I am turning to you, but I remember you fondly from HS. I admired you so much and I have missed you. Maybe it's because 18 was the last time I felt I knew what the hell I was doing and where I was going. And you remind me of my 18 year old self.
I donít know what happened to me. I have made so many bad decisions in my life and they have led me to this point. Well, let me tell you where I am now so you can see Ė Unemployed (got laid off last school year), living with my GIRLfriend in her momís house, miserable, and basically stuck in the upstairs bedroom all day while her mom sulks downstairs. (She is depressed and has panic attacks and stuff. Just not pleasant to be with and since she is retired, she never leaves the house.) GF finally got her act together and got a job TEACHING! She didnít have a steady job the entire 7-8 years previous to this, but when I got laid off, she got her credentials and started doing special ed. I donít really want to go back to teaching, so I have been putting off finding another job. That makes me totally dependent on GF for everything (insurance, housing, etc.). I have been working my whole life up until this point and was independent since I was out of HS. And now this feels icky. I donít want to have to depend on someone else for anything, but I just have no motivation, drive, purpose, I donít know. She says that since I supported us the first 7 years of our relationship, she should do the next 7 years. Ugh! Makes me feel trapped.
And it has made me question every decision I have made in my life up to this point. I mean EVERY decision! Honestly, I donít know if I even want to be with a woman anymore. I mean, how can I be having a sexual identity crisis at 38! And BTW, it has taken me ALL F%%kin day to write just up to here b/c she is so clingy. And I know she knows something is up. I wonít go into all the details, but there it is. But if I left, where would I go? Have to get another job first. And itís been so long sinceÖ well, a lot of things. I can't believe I ended up here.
What is wrong with me?! This was not the way things were supposed to turn out. This canít be right. Me, a housewife. Really? No. Itís nice not having to work, but I feel so useless.
Well, I have been helping my brother and sister raise their kids. In fact, the layoff couldnít have come at a better time b/c my brother needed me to help him and his wife with their son, born Dec of 2009. My SIL is disabled and couldnít /still canít pick him up and stuff, so I would take turns with my mom and his MIL living with them for a week at a time as like a live in nanny. That was fun, I guess. And my sister had 3 kids in a little over 2 years. Just kept popping them out! My sis is a SAHM, and gets no help from hubby, so my mom and I take turns staying there, too. Last year was crazy! The last two babies (one from sis, one from bro) were born 2 months apart, so my mom and I were living everywhere but at home for most of last year. One week with my brother, one week with my sister, a week off, then go back. I am still helping out every week, but the babies are now over a year old and not as much work, (b/c they sleep through the night now) so I don't have to stay overnight any more.
Blah blah blah...
I donít know what I am expecting from you. I am not really looking for career advice. Maybe just some reassurance that I am not alone in all this; that other people have gone through the same thing. I donít know. Just make it all better, OK?
So that's what I sent him. This is what the original was:
April 10, 2011
Hey! How are you doing? Damn it, this 20 year reunion is giving me fits. My life couldn't be further off the mark. This is not at all how I pictured my life would be at 38. I so want my 17/18 year old self back. If I knew then what I know now...boy! I have made so many bad decisions in my life. There were so many times I should have said something, spoken up, done something, anything! But I have always been afraid to stand up for myself or to speak up for anything/anyone. I sat by and let things happen to me, to others, or watched as nothing happened. I do it still. I let other people or events make my decisions for me or direct my life. At 38 I am just as lost as I was at 18. The only difference now is that I know I am lost but at 18 I thought I knew everything. I don't know who I am or what I am supposed to be. I don't know if it's too late for me. Too old to go back to school. Too tired. I am not even as independent as I was at 18. I was living on my own, in school, but making bad decisions. I should have stayed that extra year at IU. I should not have joined that sorority. I should not have dated that guy. I should have told him no more forcefully than I did. Fought harder.
I've been making bad decisions since HS. I should have spoken up when I saw that N was on the wrong list for our overseas trip. I should have told you how I felt about you. And what the hell happened in SF?! Another missed opportunity because I didn't speak up, didn't share my feelings. Didn't really know my feelings. Maybe I was too embarrassed. I didn't know if those feelings would be reciprocated and I didn't want to face rejection. I didn't have the guts to put myself out there. My whole life is full of moments like those.
Now my life is a complete mess. Unemployed, bankrupt, totally dependent on someone else for everything. I'd be homeless and penniless without her. And now I am not even sure about that. When I really think back about my grad school years, I wonder if the gay thing was just another personae I was trying on for size. I have been with one man and one woman my whole life. The woman was way better but maybe I was just rebelling. I dated the black guy to rebel. How do I know dating this woman isn't the same thing? I am still attracted to men physically but emotionally, I am scarred. And now I am trapped.
I sanitized it a bit. I did not send the original, second letter. When I revised it to send to him, I never mentioned the r word b/c I didn't want to freak him out. I guess I didn't want him to know that I was THAT damaged. A little damaged, sure, but not beyond repair, which was how I was feeling at the time, and still do for the most part.
So he never responded. And in typical HS girl form, I thought to myself that maybe he's not talking to me because I'm not pretty like I used to be. I had gained a considerable amount of weight since HS. So in the next year or so I lost 80 lbs by going vegan. He still won't talk to me. :blush:/> Oh well.