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I want a do-over. But I don't think I'll ever get it. I am supposed to be in this committed lesbian relationship (10 years and counting) but all I ever think about is sex with men. I have this horrible memory of my first time with a man and I want to replace it. I deserve that. But it's an impossible request. It would have to involve cheating on my current partner and I couldn't do that to her. Then there is the problem of finding a man. I am afraid of men for the most part. I always think that they are out to get me. The only men I would trust are my high school male friends - the nice boys who never tried to kiss me when I so desperately wanted them to. I have reconnected with a number of them through fb and they are almost all still single. At 40!! Not that they would want me. And after hearing my story I am sure they would run, but I like to fantasize about them.
I think about the times in HS when one boy in particular really liked me. I'll refer to him as Y. We went on a couple of dates, movies, out to eat, etc. But I don't remember ever kissing him. Maybe we held hands a couple of times. I remember he touched my butt once and he smiled when I squeaked. I think we both really liked each other, but he was too much of a gentleman to make a move. And I was the good girl who wanted it but wasn't going to make any sort of move. We went to different colleges and didn't see each other for over 4 years. We wrote a couple of times my freshman year, but the letters stopped after a while. We reconnected about 2 years after we graduated from college and he had moved to California. While we were apart was when my r occurred. He didn't and still doesn't know about any of it. Anyway, I went out to LA to visit him and I'm not sure what happened, but he got upset with me and ran away and left me with some friends of his half-way through my trip. This was during the point in my life when I was thinking that I could never be with a man again and was thinking about women a lot. I think that might have upset him. And I never did really say anything out right. I just said something about wanting to visit SF while I was in CA. We drove up there that week, so maybe he saw that I was just a little too interested in the gay book stores or something. Maybe he had been planning on finally making a move on me but backed off since I brought up the gay thing. I'll never know. I can't get him to talk to me now. We do occasionally communicate through fb, but not about anything serious, just like travel stuff. Trips we have been on. The occasional science article.
But I think about him constantly. I wish that he or I would have been more forward in high school. I would have gladly given him my virginity. And I think he would have been sweet and gentle with me. When I fantasize about it, he is very patient and loving with me. We make love in his bedroom while his parents are both at work. I have it all planned out for our 18 year old selves! He was the class valedictorian, so I know he would have known his anatomy!
His parents still live in our home town along with my parents. I see my family every week, even though I live in another state now. I drive past his parents' house every time and wonder...
Maybe my life would have turned out better. I wouldn't have this wasted life I have now.
I think about the times in HS when one boy in particular really liked me. I'll refer to him as Y. We went on a couple of dates, movies, out to eat, etc. But I don't remember ever kissing him. Maybe we held hands a couple of times. I remember he touched my butt once and he smiled when I squeaked. I think we both really liked each other, but he was too much of a gentleman to make a move. And I was the good girl who wanted it but wasn't going to make any sort of move. We went to different colleges and didn't see each other for over 4 years. We wrote a couple of times my freshman year, but the letters stopped after a while. We reconnected about 2 years after we graduated from college and he had moved to California. While we were apart was when my r occurred. He didn't and still doesn't know about any of it. Anyway, I went out to LA to visit him and I'm not sure what happened, but he got upset with me and ran away and left me with some friends of his half-way through my trip. This was during the point in my life when I was thinking that I could never be with a man again and was thinking about women a lot. I think that might have upset him. And I never did really say anything out right. I just said something about wanting to visit SF while I was in CA. We drove up there that week, so maybe he saw that I was just a little too interested in the gay book stores or something. Maybe he had been planning on finally making a move on me but backed off since I brought up the gay thing. I'll never know. I can't get him to talk to me now. We do occasionally communicate through fb, but not about anything serious, just like travel stuff. Trips we have been on. The occasional science article.
But I think about him constantly. I wish that he or I would have been more forward in high school. I would have gladly given him my virginity. And I think he would have been sweet and gentle with me. When I fantasize about it, he is very patient and loving with me. We make love in his bedroom while his parents are both at work. I have it all planned out for our 18 year old selves! He was the class valedictorian, so I know he would have known his anatomy!
His parents still live in our home town along with my parents. I see my family every week, even though I live in another state now. I drive past his parents' house every time and wonder...
Maybe my life would have turned out better. I wouldn't have this wasted life I have now.
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