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internal love

Posted by pancake , 13 August 2014 · 37 views

i dont know if anyone can understand this but i need to write it down. 
 
For as long as i can remember i got what i called the 'film thing'. i would get feelings towards the hero and when i came out of the film i would feel incredible loss and sadness. i now think i understand it better and i think there is a part of me that desperatly is looking forsomeone to take care of her. im not sure if it is a man like a carer/father or a man in terms of a sort of lover. my feelings are very confused on this as it was my father who abused me. 
 
recently i have had dreams where i am being chased by zombies and a character from a tv prog is there to take care of me. it felt so wonderful that i could be near him and be safe. even with all the chaos and danger i knew that he would protect me and never let me down. i think my heart chose this character because he is a robot and therfore cannot lie and cannot fail. if he says he will protect me and look afer me then he will and he would not abondon me.
 
when i woke up at first i felt that love and care and i wanted to stay in the dream, there is such a sence of sadness and loss and im trying to make sence of it. 
 
ive asked myself if i could actually meet this person, if i was actually with him what wuld i ask him and would it help? If i asked him to be my father would that help the pain? if i asked him just to take care of me and be there for me and he agreed, would that make the past feel any better? would that make the pain and sense of loss from the betrayal any less? I dont know that it would but it could comfort me. 
 
then i said what if i asked him just to be there while i explored my feelings towards him and asked him to be my partner or my father once i had sorted out what i wanted? Would that help? 
 
if i have this person inside to take care of me is that healthy? i have an angel inside who is a carer and guide, and i guess im thinking should i have this character to be like a male version? is that ok though? i dont know. if it turns out i like him in a sexuall way what does that mean? is that healthy to have a relationship inside like that? Should i have him to help me at all inside? Im wondering if what i need to do is admit that this loss is never going to be healed and say goodbye to him. tell him i love him but i need to admit to myself that no love will ever come to rescue me in the way i want. but that makes me feel so sad and i dont know that it is the right thing to do. if i can give myself the care and love inside...is that the healthy thing to do?  i dont know.



October 2014

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