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hard to talk about *trigger warning*

Posted by pancake , 17 July 2014 · 208 views


when i was about 16 or 17 i had a feeling my dad was watching me in the shower. He refused to put blinds on the window of the bathroom and i was upset so kept sticking paper to the window to hide myself while showing. At the time although i thought he was watching i was suppressing it. Like part of me throught that but not my concious part. him and his wife kept getting annoyed by the paper on the window and i kept saying that someone could be watching on the hill behind. After a while i got so tired of having to go through this paper and sellotape thing every time i just said *f* it and started using the shower with nothign on the window. I fell stupid for mentioning that is stoped doing it to my dad, i just said jokingly that if a rambler is there they will get an eye full and laughed. I think i thought i was being paranoid. but....one day in the shower i had an overwhelming feelign i was being watched. I looked out the window and i thought i could see someone. as i turned the light off to look closer i thought i saw  a figure leave the feild. Later on i heard my dad coming back in therough the back door and i asked him why he was outside. i think he made somthign up about fixing the car or seeing to the dog or something. the thing that really upsets me is that just before i thought i really saw someone i smiled to myself in the shower like as a fantasy as though someone was watching but then i realised that someone might REALLY be watching and i rolled the shower curtain around me...this was just befor ei turned off the lights to see a figure leaving.

 

Im very confused by this, i guess im worried that i liked him watching me or that i liked the abuse. Soon after this i said i was going for a bath. I went upstirs and got sidetracked and decided not to have one. After a while i came down and my dad came up to me really close and almost whispered like it was our little secret (his wife had hearing aids) he said *i thought you were having a bath*. i said i changed my mind and couldnt understand why he was asking me, i said...why did you turn on th hot water for me or something? he replied no, i just thought you were having a bath. (he had just come in from outside again). This makes me feel really dirty. like he thought the smile was for him, that he'd seen it and thought this was a consentual thing. Am i also feel confused that i now have fantasys about being watched. 

 

Even now im still worried that i made this watching part up even though i know he abused me in other ways from a young age.

 

As he was redecorating the bathroom he just happened to leave the door off for a very long time. i refused to use the new shower until the door was put up. in the end he put upp a curtain and although there was enough material for all the door and then some, he just so happened to 'not have enough material' to cover all the door. I was so tired of trying to ask for my privicy when both him and his wife didnt see it as a issue that i just went 'yeah fine' and left curtain as it was. I feel i sould have tried harder to prevent there from being any gap but it took so much effort to say that somthign wasnt right when i was suppressing everything else he had done to me. And what a shock, he 'just happened' to find a diy project to do right outside the bathroom while i was having a shower.

 

It makes me feel so dirty. please cna someone tell me that this is not normal behavour and that im not imagining it? I know in my heart that he WAS watching but from the way he acted, does it sound like he was? Also does anyone understand about the smiling in the shower? Im so confused and it adds so much fule to the thought that i am dirty and that i somhow deep down wanted him to do what he did or that i enjoyed it. I know as a very little girl i enjoyed the attention not the abuse, and i know thats not a bad thing but as a 16 year old should i have been able to know consiously what he was doing? Should i have told someone? i guess its hard when you cant admit to yourself what your father is, if i acnoledged his watching cosiously then i guess i would have to admit to myself what else he did to me and how i felt when he touched me.

 

 

Thoughts? Posted Image

 

the odd thing ive just realised is that i did mention it to several people. i told my mum that i made him put up a curtain and she said 'you stick to your guns on that'. as though she knew what he was. and i told my boyfried. we have tlaked abotu it since and he said he thought it was weird that i said my dad was trying to watch me but thought nothing of it. I guess now im even more confused! if part of me knew enough to tell people then...was i convincing myself that he wasnt doing it? Or was i just so used to him being dirty it didnt seem all that odd. thats what a father was to me but now im worried that i didnt put more effort into stopping him if i knw enough to tell people. Was i just WANTING it? Its silly coz i know i didnt want it but i need this part to heal, i need to forgive myself for not knowing mentally how to cope with it or for not trying harder but a part of me is telling myself that i enjoyed it, that i didnt put a stop to it becasue i wanted it. please tell me someone understands and that this is common?

 



I think our gut instiinct tells us when something doesn't feel right, something doesn't agree with us and it's for a good reason.  You felt your gut telling you that, didn't you?  When you were taking showers and thought someone else was watching - it doesn't make you paranoid, it makes you aware of your surroundings. 

 

It's not normal behavior for a parent to watch their child bath or shower when they are so much older!  I understand if the child is younger and the parent is afraid they're going to drown when they're learning how to shower or bath themselves, but not when they're older.. that's just not right.  I don't think you were imagining it.  I believe you that someone was there and it made you uncomfortable.  It doesn't make you the dirty person, you took the effort to make it safer for yourself, but it was the adults who should have been caring for you who didn't protect you.

 

About smiling in the shower - I'm not sure what thoughts to give you.  Sometimes I find myself reacting in ways to my own memory that I thought was inappropriate or weird too.  Like.. I would giggle about it, I don't know why.  I can only think it's because my brain is trying to help me cope and one way is to laugh it off.  As if it wasn't real.  Sometimes I feel cruel and I laugh at myself.  There's a lot of guilt and fear wrapped up in my memory and I don't want you to think that's how one should ever feel about it.  It's different per person and I think smiling in the shower may have been your way to cope or your way to make yourself feel like it wasn't real (like it was a fantasy, as you wrote).

 

You couldn't have wanted something like this, and a parent is someone you truly love and care.  You don't expect someone, or anyone you love, or anyone you trust, to break their trust to you and hurt you in that way.  I think all these feelings you have are common, and from reading the posts in the forums I have learned that we're not alone in having these types of feelings.  Each person works toward finding their own way to understand them, and how to deal with them.  I hope you will find peace in knowing that, and continue to work towards your own understanding of your feelings and thoughts.

thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I hadn't thought that my brain may have been trying to protect me from all the feelings surrounding him watching me and the confusion of not knowing how to deal with it. 

Thank you for sharing your experiences and sharing how you laugh at them somtimes. I actually laughed as it was happening which freaks me out a bit but like you say it was probably my brain trying to find a lighter way to look at it as it was so upsetting until reality kicked back in and i relaised he actually WAS watching me.

Thank you for helping me feel more at ease about this, i want to find a a way to forgive myself for not fighting harder against it or for not truly beliving it was happening but i have to remember that i was different back then. i didnt know id been abused because i had suppressed it and i was just a child. not the woman i am today with a greater understanding of who i am and what i feel. 

Your right my gut instinct did tell me that something was wrong and had done since i can remember in infant school and if my gut instinct told me something wasn't right there is no way i wanted what he did. thank you. :)

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MaybeJoleisa
Jul 17 2014 11:10 PM

Pancake, it does sound as if he was watching or trying to watch you. I think you did your best to get help by talking to people, and I think those around you failed you by downplaying the situation. You didn't do anything wrong. As for smiling in the shower, why shouldn't you have, when you had convinced yourself that the thought of being watched was an empty worry? You are innocent in this.

Thank you so much, thats so good to hear. Its hard to see what is true from inside the emotions. this really helped me. im so glad i asked people for their thoughts. thank you.

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