hard to talk about *trigger warning*
when i was about 16 or 17 i had a feeling my dad was watching me in the shower. He refused to put blinds on the window of the bathroom and i was upset so kept sticking paper to the window to hide myself while showing. At the time although i thought he was watching i was suppressing it. Like part of me throught that but not my concious part. him and his wife kept getting annoyed by the paper on the window and i kept saying that someone could be watching on the hill behind. After a while i got so tired of having to go through this paper and sellotape thing every time i just said *f* it and started using the shower with nothign on the window. I fell stupid for mentioning that is stoped doing it to my dad, i just said jokingly that if a rambler is there they will get an eye full and laughed. I think i thought i was being paranoid. but....one day in the shower i had an overwhelming feelign i was being watched. I looked out the window and i thought i could see someone. as i turned the light off to look closer i thought i saw a figure leave the feild. Later on i heard my dad coming back in therough the back door and i asked him why he was outside. i think he made somthign up about fixing the car or seeing to the dog or something. the thing that really upsets me is that just before i thought i really saw someone i smiled to myself in the shower like as a fantasy as though someone was watching but then i realised that someone might REALLY be watching and i rolled the shower curtain around me...this was just befor ei turned off the lights to see a figure leaving.
Im very confused by this, i guess im worried that i liked him watching me or that i liked the abuse. Soon after this i said i was going for a bath. I went upstirs and got sidetracked and decided not to have one. After a while i came down and my dad came up to me really close and almost whispered like it was our little secret (his wife had hearing aids) he said *i thought you were having a bath*. i said i changed my mind and couldnt understand why he was asking me, i said...why did you turn on th hot water for me or something? he replied no, i just thought you were having a bath. (he had just come in from outside again). This makes me feel really dirty. like he thought the smile was for him, that he'd seen it and thought this was a consentual thing. Am i also feel confused that i now have fantasys about being watched.
Even now im still worried that i made this watching part up even though i know he abused me in other ways from a young age.
As he was redecorating the bathroom he just happened to leave the door off for a very long time. i refused to use the new shower until the door was put up. in the end he put upp a curtain and although there was enough material for all the door and then some, he just so happened to 'not have enough material' to cover all the door. I was so tired of trying to ask for my privicy when both him and his wife didnt see it as a issue that i just went 'yeah fine' and left curtain as it was. I feel i sould have tried harder to prevent there from being any gap but it took so much effort to say that somthign wasnt right when i was suppressing everything else he had done to me. And what a shock, he 'just happened' to find a diy project to do right outside the bathroom while i was having a shower.
It makes me feel so dirty. please cna someone tell me that this is not normal behavour and that im not imagining it? I know in my heart that he WAS watching but from the way he acted, does it sound like he was? Also does anyone understand about the smiling in the shower? Im so confused and it adds so much fule to the thought that i am dirty and that i somhow deep down wanted him to do what he did or that i enjoyed it. I know as a very little girl i enjoyed the attention not the abuse, and i know thats not a bad thing but as a 16 year old should i have been able to know consiously what he was doing? Should i have told someone? i guess its hard when you cant admit to yourself what your father is, if i acnoledged his watching cosiously then i guess i would have to admit to myself what else he did to me and how i felt when he touched me.
the odd thing ive just realised is that i did mention it to several people. i told my mum that i made him put up a curtain and she said 'you stick to your guns on that'. as though she knew what he was. and i told my boyfried. we have tlaked abotu it since and he said he thought it was weird that i said my dad was trying to watch me but thought nothing of it. I guess now im even more confused! if part of me knew enough to tell people then...was i convincing myself that he wasnt doing it? Or was i just so used to him being dirty it didnt seem all that odd. thats what a father was to me but now im worried that i didnt put more effort into stopping him if i knw enough to tell people. Was i just WANTING it? Its silly coz i know i didnt want it but i need this part to heal, i need to forgive myself for not knowing mentally how to cope with it or for not trying harder but a part of me is telling myself that i enjoyed it, that i didnt put a stop to it becasue i wanted it. please tell me someone understands and that this is common?