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changing my life slowly

Posted by pancake , 07 July 2014 · 91 views

Ive got to a paoint now where i am finally moving past this internal blockage. I feel like im going from surviving to finding a life for myself and the funny thing is, the thing that kickstarted it was a so called friend stabbing me in the back and people at work not giving a shit about my birthday. I suddenly realised that work is no longer what it used to be and i need to create a life for myself outside of work. I gave my heart to ppl at work and at every turn i had it thrown back in my face. I got fed up of chasing ppl on to be let down. I started working on doing other things and looking inside as to why i cant move forward. It turns out that fear around men in what is holding me back, somthing i didnt realise before. Not just that but also fear of being happy and relaxed, im afraid of who i am when im not on high alert, im afriad of what i will feel towards men. what if i just lose control, what if really im some sexual freak who will do it with anyone. In reality i know im not but im so scared of that and i hadnt realised it before so that is a good step forward. Also im not sure where is safe or not. because EVERYTHING is unsafe im now trying to find what is actually unsafe and what is over the top. Thats in terms of, is this quiet road too seculded? Is going to this train station alone safe? etc. Its a hard one because i dont know which part of myself to trust and if i let my guard down for one minuit will i just lose all self control? My first step was going to a mental health group, not specifically of survivors but i thougth socialising with people who understand anxiety and will not judge is a good start. I went and i was so proud of myself. im constantly monitoring my feelings towards men in the group. Ive started looking at my feelings towards all men actualy and rather than pushing myself like i usually would im just taking a step back and observing from a safe distance. 



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